I'm a graduate student, 23, whose long-distance relationship with a younger guy, 19, has ended. He doesn't want commitment, wants to date other girls, but says he loves me and maybe it’ll work out one day.

At Christmas, he bought me my favourite perfume, took me on "dates," we had sex, said we loved each other, and he bought me a ring.

Yet, we were still “ex’es.”

He also promised he’d visit me this semester. We text every day and Skype.

But before Valentine's Day, I experienced an emotional break-through and said we're either together or not, that it's too hard to be friends because I still love him, and his wanting to see other people hurts and confuses me.

Then his Valentine arrived. So I gave in, and we continued texting constantly.

I urged him to ask his folks about visiting me (he’s credit card-less). He assured me that no matter what, he's coming (using my credit card).

His parents said no, and he decided he's not coming. I felt like he’d broken up with me all over again.

I don't really know what he wants from me. It's like I'm his girlfriend, but not. We both say we love and miss each other.

I feel like he's keeping me on his "hook" until he meets another girl, though he denies this. I don't know how to feel, think, or react to any of this.

Yo-Yo Relationship

What he wants from you is time - time to grow up, to gain some independence, to not rely on his parents, to hang on to you, even long-distance.

Will he meet someone else during this “time” gap? Maybe. Even likely. But that doesn’t mean he’s purposefully keeping you on the “hook.”

Yes, he loves and misses you. But YOU have to decide what you can handle…. and frankly, at 23, it’s not wise for you to not date, and have emotional swings about someone who can’t change his situation for several years.

Don’t blame him, but do talk to him openly, about the need to take a long break without contact, promises, or expectations.

Do this while there’s no one else on the scene. Time will tell you where this all leads.

My daughter married at 40, after thinking it’d never happen. She and her husband are both artists, but while she accepts contracts in non-artistic jobs to cover the rent and groceries, he holds out waiting for his “break.”

My ex, her mother, is furious that this man gets a free ride because he won’t lower his “standards” as an artist, and work to contribute to their expenses.

I’m trying to be supportive to my daughter who loves him, but I can’t afford to help her financially much, either. Her mother could help more, but won’t.

Is my ex fair in judging and acting cold to our son-in-law, which angers him and hurts our daughter?

Uncertain Father

The important thing is not to let your daughter become isolated due to her husband’s anger. If she’s getting emotional support from you, she’ll have the courage to come to her own conclusions about whether he’s taking advantage of her.

Explain this to your ex, if possible. She, too, doesn’t have to carry him financially, but she mustn’t push her daughter away by behavior that makes her have to choose between husband and mother.

Stay close and ask your daughter leading questions (without demanding answers) that help her think through what’s really going on.

FEEDBACK Regarding the female group, 20s, who rejected/bullied another female (Feb. 6):

Reader – “Like the writer, I’ve been contacted by someone from a former bully group.

“She always suggests meeting up with the others, many of whom rejected me and blamed me for things.

“I’m very hesitant, as none of the girls supported me and a couple did significant bullying.

“Are my instincts right to avoid this?

“It deeply affected my life, as it’s difficult when your whole group of friends turn on you; it feels so unjust.

“Some of the girls still talked to me, but I was excluded from all their events.”

Trying to Move On 

Do only what’s comfortable, and meeting the whole group is not. If she wants to renew a friendship, she can meet you on her own. If others want to re-connect, the same applies.

Don’t meet the worst offenders, or allow past hurts to be revived.