My wife’s family treats us like we’re their own personal loan officers/taxi/hotel. I love and get along great with them but it sometimes feels like the sacrifices I make to save money and get ahead are for nothing. It ends up in their pockets instead of mine.  

Her mother asks us for money every couple of weeks; her father either has to stay with us or requests money every couple of months.

Now her older sister is coming to live with us for several months or more, with baby and her boyfriend. He’s unemployed and wants to collect unemployment insurance. Their moving in has caused huge arguments between my wife and I as I have a hard time helping someone who won’t help himself.

We have an otherwise wonderful relationship, and I love her very much.

Her family borrowed money from us constantly before we got married, so this isn’t new. How do I get them to stop using us, without being a total jerk?

- Going Broke

Put your wife in charge of the Freeloading Family Fund, and set a limited amount for it. Let her decide how to distribute the amount you both decide you can afford, and how to say no to her relatives when it’s used up. 

You’ve proven yourself as a generous and caring husband and in-law, so the only “jerks” in this family portrait are those who willfully take advantage.

Your wife knows your goodness, and your relationship should be able to handle this approach.

Although you bought into “helping” early on, you cannot let everyone grab a handout instead of working, and your wife should understand this. If necessary, she should allot her sister an amount from the fund to “boost” the couple’s insurance income for a few months, until he gets a job.

Otherwise, their moving in will be a disaster and tarnish the glow in your own successful marriage.

I’m 21, have two kids and my boyfriend of two years (my son’s daddy) moved out. He said he just needed some space, then called me while I was in hospital having a panic attack and dumped me! 

He says he’s not in love with me yet says he also says I can’t date. He wants to know where I go and who with and for how long.

Should I tell him I’ll do what I want and risk losing him even as a friend or just let things continue until he’s ready to settle down and be with me?

How long am I supposed to wait? I want a life, a home and family and I thought he did too. Now he’s so different.

- Confused

Translation of your boyfriend wanting “space”: he wants to play around, avoid responsibility, and test being single again. He also wants you to wait, in case none of this works out and he wants to come back… until he gets restless again. 

You need to wake up, fast, and recognize that you already have a life, with two kids to care for and a home to provide them, with or without him.

Keep getting medical care for your anxiety, so you can focus on being the best mom possible, and work to build confidence in being able to manage on your own.

A woman should never “wait” for a guy who tries to control her. At 21, accepting this man’s rules is dooming you to a relationship of emotional abuse.

I moved out of state to be with my boyfriend. We plan on marrying in the distant future, but I miss my family and friends.  

He thinks I should stay with him and doesn’t want to be tied down to where I want to live.

Does it mean I don’t love him enough since I’m unwilling to spend my life so far away from home?

Does he not love me enough?

- Homesick

There’s a significant difference between homesickness and doubt. If you were certain of your commitment, you’d be giving this at least a year, as you sought out neighbourhood and interest groups to make friends. 

But your questioning who loves whom more, suggests the beginning of power struggles and insecurity, rather than a firm conviction that you’re right for each other. That said, try to see if you can stick it out awhile while examining the depth of your relationship.