Last year I worked out of town Monday to Friday and returned weekends, and I began to sense something wrong in our 27-year formerly happy marriage. 

When I checked our cell phone records I discovered my wife had been calling an old friend.

She denied it.

Later I found she’d been texting, calling and e-mailing him a lot.

When confronted, she said they were just friends.

I have no way of knowing whether this was a physical or emotional affair.

How do I get her to talk when she won’t face up to communicating with a single male behind her husband’s back?

- Stonewalled in Surrey

With so many happy years on balance, look at what became different in your situation. Her correspondence happened in the year she was on her own a lot. So were you alone, but for you there was work to hold your attention. 

For her, perhaps loneliness overwhelmed her; perhaps mid-life changes affected her judgment. This doesn’t make her behaviour right, or easily acceptable, but can shed light on why she acted foolishly and hurtfully, and was ashamed to admit it. Show some understanding, and hopefully she’ll open up.

You two might even consider her travelling with you some weeks.

But if she rejects all discussion, insist that you go to counselling together. Or this could be a negative turning point.

My older brother treats me like a child, though we’re both adults. 

I discovered he was having an affair and tried to talk him out of it. But his wife found out anyway, and they separated.

Now, he’s always criticizing me and our relationship is very tense.

- Hurt

He’s angry at himself and taking it out on you. Give him time. When he’s difficult, end the conversation without lashing back. 

If necessary, avoid getting together for a while. But reach out occasionally to show interest in how he’s doing, without allowing his criticism.

When his dark mood starts to lift, renew the connection slowly.

My husband of 20-plus years drinks beer and smokes pot everyday. He works steadily and is a nice person, so no one, including him, sees his alcohol/drug use as a problem. 

I do.

We’ve had so many conversations, especially in regards to the children, who are teenagers. Now I have a son who smokes pot everyday and has no ambition. I don’t want my daughter to do the same.

I grew up with an alcoholic father; I’m like my mother who took care of everything at home, from paying the bills to home repairs.

I don’t want to live like this anymore.

- Wasting My Life

You don’t have to be like your mother, but you DO have a job to do as your teenagers’ mom. Change what you can for their sake as well as yours. 

Don’t try to convince your husband of his addiction, just tell him you’re not going to accept it anymore without some changes. Either he sees his doctor and learns how his health is being affected, PLUS starts to reduce his usage and help more around the house, or you’ll have to see a lawyer to learn your rights and financial status if you separate, since you’re already pretty much on your own.

Then, take the kids and attend a meeting of Al-Anon/Alateen. They need real information, and seeing the wider impact of addictions on families; and they’ll absorb it better from a wider experience than just a mother’s warnings.

I’m becoming obsessed with my children’s weight. I’m naturally thin, my husband’s always had trouble with excess weight. He’s food-addicted and makes poor choices. He watches television or plays video games with the kids, rather than exercise. I ensure that they eat healthy foods and limit their sugar intake. But my eldest is experiencing a growth spurt. She’s constantly hungry and I’m declining some food requests, so I’m potentially contributing to a poor body image.

- Anxious Mother

It’s your anger at your husband that’s causing you to obsess, since his bad example makes you feel powerless despite your good efforts. Get a grip on your anxieties, or this power struggle will cause your children to “choose,” and even overeat as a reaction. Forget his weight. Instead, urge him to be a true partner in at least helping the kids prefer to eat healthfully, and to exercise. It may inspire him, too.