While out for dinner with a group of my girlfriends, the conversation turned to breasts. One woman had a breast reduction in her 20s. One woman had a breast augmentation after her children were born, in her 30s. One woman has enormous breasts, but simply accepts them as part of her body. One woman has basically no breasts and loves that part of her body.

And then there was me. The whole reason for the conversation. I found a lump in my breast that the doctors plan on removing. The initial biopsy was inconclusive, though leaning towards benign. The decision is mine to do a double mastectomy and rebuild or wait and see what the one will look like after the lumpectomy.

I sat quietly and listened to all their opinions and stories, their advice and suggestions. I know the decision is mine but, honestly, they just confused me. What do you suggest?

Battle of the Boob

I cannot make a suggestion without knowing you personally, your relationship with your body, your medical history and prognosis. However, I can tell you that I’m the type of person who needs a LOT of information so that I can make an informed decision and weigh all my options. So, I would have a much longer conversation with the doctor to understand exactly what the biopsy showed, why it was inconclusive, and what that usually means.

I would then ask for a rendered drawing or AI image of what my breast will look like after the lumpectomy. If that one breast is going to be obviously deformed and vary greatly in size from the other, I would want to do something about that. But that’s just me.

Talk to your doctor so you understand all of your options. You sound as though you have caring friends, so no matter what you do, lean on them for support.

My father-in-law uses words and verbs in ways that are completely incorrect. It’s sort of cute and sort of annoying, all at the same time. I don’t spend that much time with him, so I just try to let it wash over me, but it’s incredibly irritating.

I’m also concerned that he’s going to teach these “isms” to my children, which will really upset me. He’s a carpenter and winding down his business now due to age and physical difficulties. I doubt anyone in his line of work would have noticed let alone been bothered by his strange way of speaking. But I want my children to be eloquent and intellectual. I don’t want their friends to make fun of them for using terminology that is incorrect.

What do I do?

Language Nerd

Oh, I hear you! It drives me absolutely batty when someone says, “anyways” or “irregardless.” Both are like nails on a chalkboard for me. I have a good friend who is a judge and very eloquent. But when he’s off work, he reverts to “aks” rather than “ask.” It was how he was raised. He knows it’s incorrect, but it rolls off the tongue easier.

I suggest either letting it go – you can’t control everyone and everything, or, if you think it can be calmly received, talk to your FIL. Tell him that you love him, and you think his “isms” are cute, but you’re worried how they’ll impact the children. If he doesn’t know what you’re talking about, tell him. If he takes offence, drop it. It’s not worth it.

Your kids will go to school and learn the proper way of using words and verbs. They’ll learn to recognize what is correct and what isn’t, and when they can use the incorrect.

FEEDBACK Regarding partner abuse (Feb. 3):
Reader – “Please, when you address intimate partner abuse in your column, include the fact that men are also abused by their wives.  My brother's wife has hit him with a metal pipe and only they know what else, but we’ve seen the bruises. She controls and isolates him by making him drive her and their children everywhere, leaving him little time for himself.  She belittles him in public, and has locked him in the basement, locked him out of the house, and taken his phone and iPad away from him.

“We have tried to get him out, but he doesn't see this behaviour as totally wrong, and unhealthy for his children to witness.  Maybe if the media gave equal weight to violence against men, he would see himself and come to understand that he needs to leave and take his children with him.”