Dear Readers – Following are questions from the very popular, lively online chat on Sex and Dating, of Oct. 17:

Isn’t the early part of dating just a big tease? As a male, I find the dance of distance that women play, till they give it up, totally dishonest. We all want the same thing – great sex, and lots of fun.

It’s a long time later, before you know if there’s the possibility of a relationship in which no one’s playing the other, which women do even more than men but they don’t admit it.

When you date with a fixed attitude about ALL women “playing” men, it’s easy to rationalize your own attitude that everyone starts off teasing and wanting only sex and fun.

From years of reading questions from both genders, all ages, from every background, I assure you there are men and women hoping to find decent caring companions.

Instead of just “teasing,” they’re dating to get to know the other person. If YOU are only teasing and aiming only for sex and fun, then at least be upfront about it. That way, you’ll find the like-minded, and do the more serious daters a favour by letting them know you’re not the person for them.

COMMENT - Sex is an important part of a relationship but so is trust. How can you trust someone if you have sex on the first date? I did that once, and every time we saw each other afterward, that’s all we did. It was like a drug… until he got turned onto someone else instead. They had sex when they first met at a party…. they weren’t even on a date yet!

I love my wife, but over the last eight months, I’ve lost interest in sex with her. I see other females out in public, and get turned on easily. What’s my problem?

Think back eight months and pinpoint some of the changes or influences at that time.

It could be anything from a job change, to her discussing getting pregnant, to you’re flirtation with someone else. Whatever has got you restless, only you can determine the cause.

Meanwhile, stand back, and look at the big picture of your life – do you want to stay in this marriage or are you mentally halfway out the door? Either way, talk to your wife, make some changes, or get some counselling to determine a better next move than just looking at other women.

For me, sex on the first date is a big no, especially if you're hoping for a long-term relationship.

I like the thrill of getting to our first time: the second date, holding hands, the first kiss, touching.

It's nice to get to know the other person before jumping into bed with them. When you have sex on the first date, what is there to look forward to on the second? More sex? I guess I just like to take things slow, but that's just ol' romantic me.

For you, and many others, what’s most important in early dating is knowing this romantic side of yourself, and also being clear that you don’t want a first-date rush to getting physical. It would probably turn you off.

But the other person can’t know this unless you send the right signals, not mixed ones. And if you haven’t had the talk with YOURSELF before dating, do so…. know your own standards, and what you can handle within the bounds of intimacy without feeling guilty or used.

I think the best thing a person can do is listen to their conscience. I've had experiences where I've felt that if I "didn't" have sex, I'd be called a tease. I've also had experiences where I've felt that I could have been in a bad situation if I did.

I've learned over the years to listen to my "inner voice" – it hasn't steered me wrong yet.

This begs the question, If you’re in touch with your conscience, why would you care if someone labeled you a “tease” for avoiding having sex before you actually wanted?

Your inner voice needs to come from confidence, and a healthy self-image of being in control over this most personal aspect of dating.

You show wise self-protection in assessing when having sex with someone could become a “bad situation.” Now, shore up that inner strength along with the voice, to know when you’re just not ready.