My assistant at work is defiant, an active unionist, and rigid. This person wanted my job, wasn’t qualified, but felt entitled. 

Policies handed down from upper management and myself are ignored, to the point of breaking down in front of others to signify unfairly treatment.

I feel that I no longer have any authority, that everything I say is misconstrued and retold to higher powers-that-be.

I fear that my job, which I enjoy, could be taken away because of this person’s manipulation.

What do I do?

- At A Loss

Arm yourself with knowledge and facts, then speak to your boss. 

Study the union-management contract closely, as well as company policy. Bring along a detailed list of instructions that were ignored, and records of incidents when you said one thing, and another was reported.

Come prepared to help the company with this problem rather than just complain… e.g. offer a suggestion of another department in which this person might do well, and/or come up with another choice of assistant.

If there’s no hope of changing the situation, best to also have a proposal for another job or project for yourself.

My close friend’s boyfriend recently decided to meet the child he’d fathered. 

He’s been trotting out his daughter, now 9, like a devoted Daddy, when he’s never sent the mother a dime.

It’s hard to pretend to be happy for them, but I hate to hurt my friend.

- Disgusted

Your principles are important but so is this child’s chance at having a father. 

You can privately encourage the guy to be truly involved in the girl’s life by helping support her (remind him of the cost of clothing, books, after-school activities, etc.).

But be open and warm when part of the “family” scene they both desire.

Though I love my sister’s children, I cannot stand to be around them. 

When the youngest (7) stayed with me, he was extremely rude, obnoxious and selfish. I corrected him with a loving, but stern voice, and he became bearable.

When my sister arrived, he reverted. She blamed his medication. They left without a thank you or an apology.

The next day, I visited with them; he continued to be rude, his medication couldn’t be blamed this time.

I suggested my sister needs to work harder to overcome this, as I did with my own son.

The older daughter (12) is also obnoxious and rude; she’s made racist comments, which my sister just laughs off.

I don’t want these children at my house if they continue to behave so horribly.

No one else in the family wants them around either.

Both parents seem to have more time for their jobs than they do for their kids.

- Concerned Aunt

You could be an important influence, if you weren’t so intent on labelling these youngsters as damaged goods. 

They’ll soon be increasingly exposed to friends’ parents and teachers with stricter rules and reactions to bad behaviour. They’d adapt better if they had support from relatives who firmly but lovingly help teach them ahead, what is unacceptable.

Your sister didn’t get angry at your comments, and that’s a clue that she sees a problem but either doesn’t know how to handle it or thinks they’ll outgrow it.

Instead of being judgmental about her work schedule, continue to gently model corrective discipline, e.g. by explaining to your niece how racism eventually hurts everyone with any “difference;” or refusing to acknowledge your nephew when he’s rude.

I’ve been trying to get my boyfriend (of one year) to be involved with my family, but he doesn’t like them. 

When I ask him to travel with me to meet my Grandma he’s very hesitant.

I love his family and go to everything with them.

Also, anytime I bring up the issue of marriage, he says he feels pressure.

Should I lighten up? I want this relationship to work but I don’t want to do all the work.

- Too Heavy?

After a year together, and with you so involved with his family, you have a right to know what he’s thinking about for the future. 

When he says “pressure,” you can respond – lightly - “practical.” It means that if he’s only drifting with you till he meets someone else, then there’s no point in your hanging around, or being close with his folks.

That’s not heavy, it’s self-preservation.