I’m in love with this woman whom I’ve known for 20 years; we dated 10 years ago. She’s married, and I’m the godfather of her two kids. I know the husband pretty well. 

We’ve been having an affair for a year.

I’m currently in a treatment centre for my problems.

She says she’s in love with her husband, but loves me as I make her feel like a teenager again.

We know it’s wrong, but I want the affair to continue. I’m just scared that we’ll get caught and I couldn’t live with myself if I caused their divorce and my godchildren wouldn’t have a father anymore.

- Confused

You’re creating more problems for yourself, and this is a big one. 

It’s inevitable that you WILL get caught, since both of you are trying to escape reality with your affair.

A godfather’s role is to be a protector to children, not the instrument of their upheaval. You’re squandering any moral basis for being in these children’s lives.

She said what you must accept: She’s in love with her husband. Her feeling of teenage is only a delusion, likely because you’re both avoiding your responsibilities.

End the affair before it blows up in all your faces.

My mother and adoptive father were abusive – she’s now mentally ill; he’s ill in a nursing home. 

I left at 18.

They ignored my birthdays, college graduation (I paid my way), my wedding.

No matter how much I gave back (financially, emotionally), it was never right or enough.

My biological father gave me up for adoption after they divorced when I was a baby. I met him once.

At 19, I moved to him - he was demeaning and critical, and his wife and son were unwelcoming.

I later asked him to come to therapy with me, but he was uncooperative. I haven’t seen him in 10 years.

Recently, he’s inquired about visiting me and my son, but was completely self-absorbed.

How do I handle my feelings of loss and anger and how do I handle him?

Holidays hurt; I have no extended family for my son (20 months).

I want to do what’s best for my husband, child and myself.

- Tormented in San Jose

Bringing those toxic relationships into your young son’s life is far more disturbing than his “missing” this particular extended family. 

Your hopes for happy holidays through that difficult, negative gang only remind you of loss.

Deal with the past through personal therapy; and create new extended family from friends and neighbours whom you trust.

You can bring good, nurturing people into your family circle, by being open to sharing birthdays, holidays, and special occasions with them, and by showing generous interest in their lives as well.

I’ve bought my new wife and her daughter a home close to her ex’es house, so the girl can go back and forth between us without changing schools, friends, etc. 

However, all their neighbours remained friendly with both parents and now we’re invited to parties where her ex is always present.

- Awkward Times

You’ve shown the best intent and understanding for your step-daughter’s adjustment. Now, your wife should help you find ways for you to be as comfortable as possible. Ask her to invite some of these friends over in small groups, so they can get to know you better, with no ex around. Seek out the couples you like best, and limit the number of big gatherings you attend.

Three months go, he said, “I only want a good friend with benefits.” 

We chat daily and meet every few weeks. He’s usually the one “benefiting.”

We’ve had “dates” without physical contact, and talked - even an elaborate evening out when he paid, and nothing physical happened.

Since then, we’ve planned future “dates.”

Ellie, is this guy playing it cool (a change of heart?) or just playing?

- Unsure

What matters is what you are playing… acting happy with servicing his sexual needs and the odd “gift” of a regular date? 

Or repressing the desire for having a say in the relationship plus mutual sexual pleasure?

If it’s the latter (and I’m guessing from your question that it is) speak up.

If it results in his breaking it off, well, he was going to anyway, the moment you showed any signs of being a person with your own needs, desires and hopes.