I’ve been talking to this guy online for a week. We’re both 19.
He was eager to meet me right away.
We met at a local mall. He said, "Wow, you look great.” He sent his mama a text to ask if I could come back for fireworks. I met his mom and his stepdad.
Later, he said he wanted to be friends before we start dating, as he just got out of a really bad relationship. I agreed.
That next day he didn’t text or call, which made me worry.
Then I saw amusement park tickets were on sale and invited him.
We went out that Saturday. His sister, whom he hadn’t seen in a long time, ended up going there to surprise her boyfriend.
He sort of ignored me for her. She privately asked if I was into him. I definitely said yeah, but that he confuses me.
She told me he plays hard to get because he's been done so dirty by other girls, especially his most recent ex.
They’d been through two miscarriages and she cheated, lied, and left him.
His sister said to not take anything personally, that he's just really afraid to get attached to people because then they leave and he gets super hurt.
I told her there's nothing to worry about.
I overheard her ask him if he liked me, he nodded, yes.
When I got home, I texted to reassure him that I wasn't mad at him for not paying much attention to me that day.
He never replied. Three days later he still hasn't said a word to me. I'm not sure what to say or do, if anything.
Is he playing hard to get because he's scared of opening up to me and giving me a chance? I really want this to happen.
Too much drama for just one week. Respect his wish to start as friends, not a romance.
He has good reasons to want less turmoil and more time before starting a relationship. He’s learned, by 19, that serious complications can arise.
Constant texting and worrying over missed replies is exactly what he fears as too much too soon.
Three years ago, our daughter severed any relationship between us, her husband and our grandchildren, 13 and nine.
She’s joined an online group that discusses “narcissistic parents.”
She uses terms such as “abusive treatment” and “toxic environment” dating from early childhood.
She’s told our defenders that any kindness from us was actually self-serving - e.g. we only paid for her two weddings and bought her new cars to impress our friends.
We’ve considered privately approaching the grandchildren and /or son-in-law, but fear this could create conflict between them.
We also fear that she may have psychological problems which could be exacerbated.
We’ve learned she’s sought counselling but realize that her counsellor has only her account.
We’re painfully concluding that there may not be a solution available at this time.
We’re hoping for some consolation that we’re not alone.
I’ve received many sad accounts like this whether caused by lack of communication about past hurts, by misunderstandings, or outside influence.
Talk to a therapist yourselves for better understanding of what may be motivating your daughter.
Keep sending cards to her and your grandchildren even if returned. Write letters you can keep and show them later.
Call your son-in-law at work and ask for any explanation or ideas he can comfortably offer.
Be respectful, but don’t give up.
Thank you for your July 15 response. You said of the woman I’m dating, "A con is a con.”
But here is what she told me: 1) She’s willing to divorce, but her husband wants to stay together for their employer’s benefits.
2) She always says No to sex with him, but isn’t strong enough to stop him.
3) When asked the name of her company, she told me not to be curious about it.
4) I’m confident that she’s unhappy with him, but she said she has to go with him on company trips because everyone gets a bonus and rewards.
I feel that she likes me.
Still Seeking Advice
I repeat: A con is a con. Wake up. She wants her marriage, accepts the sex, and loves her trips and bonus more than either of you.
You’re the extra in her life. If you break up, she may miss you and divorce. Or not.
Tip of the day:
Pushing for romance with constant contact after a couple of dates, is too much too soon.