I’m 22, and my girlfriend of four years recently ended our relationship. It surprised me; I’ve spent the last few weeks disoriented, in a stupor and feeling hurt.

The break-up was amicable: e.g. I sent her a birthday card afterward and she sent me a friendly thank-you message.

While still together, we’d planned to spend Christmas together with her family… they were very supportive of our relationship (though I’m sure they also support her decision to end it), and it occurred to me to send them farewell New Years’ notes.

My own family and friends are divided on whether this would be a good idea.

It might help me get some closure and it would be a nice gesture toward people who’ve been like a second family. But I should probably be thinking about how to move on and about giving her some space.

This is my first relationship and I’m finding it difficult to look at things objectively.

What do you think?

- Clueless

Good news: You can only be truly “clueless” once.

You had a long first relationship which is a healthy start to maturing in this important part of your life, and to becoming selective about seeking your next relationship.

While a “goodbye” gesture is thoughtful, it requires some reflection about your own motives, as well as how it might be perceived by your ex. New Year’s seems very soon… you don’t want to appear to be trying to make her or anyone else feel guilty, or as if you’re trying to reach her through this means.

Wait another month, and send a short note thanking her parents for all their kindnesses and encouragement.

Do not follow up with further notes or messages to her asking if she knows you contacted them.

We’ve been together for six years, married for three, and have many problems: we hardly talk, or end up fighting.

I don’t like the way he deals with our children, often yelling and saying inappropriate things.

He seems to have anger issues, which make me not want to be around him more than I have to be. He puts me down, insults me, and never seems interested in sex.

It’s causing me to be depressed and feel unattractive and unwanted. I’ve been going out to a girlfriend’s on a regular basis to escape my home life.

I love my kids and my husband, so I’ve suggested we get help to solve our problems but he doesn’t seem interested in it.

Do I keep insisting we seek help or just move on with my life with my two boys?

- Lost

You can’t afford to be “lost” when you have serious marital problems, especially when you dislike his volatile manner with your children. They are your first responsibility and they need you to be strong and pro-active in deciding your next move.

Go to counselling on your own to discuss your concerns and how to try to work with your husband. Get a referral to someone who specializes in anger management (usually a behaviour modification psychologist) and inform your husband that if he won’t consider seeing someone for his anger, you’ll need to consider going your own way. HOWEVER, if you fear his response, you’ll need to do private research on how to leave him – i.e. finding accommodation, learning your legal rights, planning your move. A local community agency can help you find this kind of service as well as a counsellor for you.

A very close girlfriend has recently begun dating the ex-boyfriend of an old friend of mine who’s moved away.

I had heard all about my former friend’s break-up when it occurred, and about his cheating, lying, and generally bad behaviour.

My close friend knows that my other friend dated him too, but knows nothing about their break-up. Should I keep the details to myself? Or is this information I’m obligated to share?

- Hate Meddling

Stay mum on details, but stay close. Ask questions about how it’s going, and hope that she’ll hear for herself any inconsistencies or worrisome behaviour.

It IS possible that people change for a new relationship, so you can’t be the one to doom their chances together.

However, if she asks questions about the break-up, or how he’d treated your friend, you are obliged to be honest… but to stay “un-meddlesome,” be sparing in your

responses.