Last January, my wife of 13 years told me she wasn’t happy, and we entered counselling. After one session, I found an email between her and her client bashing their spouses and arranging to meet at a hotel.
When confronted, she said they were meeting for lunch. She apologized and said that I became distant in the past year. She said she loved me and wouldn’t speak to this person again.
I believed her.
I did a lot of Internet sleuthing about this man, and his family, including his wife's name and place of employment.
We continued counselling. She reiterated that it was over. We "graduated" and things were feeling good.
Shortly after, I found a sexually explicit text message from this man to my wife. I confronted her immediately, called the other person, and said if he ever spoke to my wife again I’d share what I know with his wife.
Within two days, my wife asked for a separation. I haven’t agreed and won’t discuss child custody or selling our home right now with her, as it's all too fresh.
Four weeks later, she left for an overnight business meeting six hours from home. I sent her a Facebook message and when she replied, it pinned her about an hour from home at a hotel. I called the hotel, for the man’s room, and they said one moment. I hung up.
I sent my wife a text asking her if his wife knew where he was. She said they only met for a drink and not to contact his wife.
Should I contact her? Is it vengeance, or am I trying to help his wife? I’m not sure.
Betrayed and Angry
Deal with your own situation. If your wife persists in wanting to separate, you’ll have enough emotional/financial and family upheaval to handle without distracting yourself with revenge.
That IS what you’re trying to do, but it won’t ease your own hurt. And may not do more than bring the other couple closer, or create a split that would happen anyway, if he and your wife keep carrying on.
I lived with my then-husband for seven years. He sponsored my immigration, but the marriage failed. The lack of communication, his mother's interference, his not standing up for me, and two years without sex led me to leave a letter and abandon the marriage.
I suffered deeply from the separation, and still picture how horrifying it was for him to discover I was gone.
I have no family here, and am frequently lonely. I regret not having the courage and maturity to face him with my decision to leave.
I miss his friendship. I still hope one day he can accept me as a friend again.
But he and his mother keep resentments forever and never forgive.
My friends say I made the right decision and I should remember all the loneliness before.
I wrote him to assure him that I truly loved him during our time together. Should I post the letter?
Send the letter for your own need to say those things, but don’t expect a friendly reply.
Seven years clearly revealed that he couldn’t counter his mother, nor sustain the marriage. Since he didn’t come after you, that hasn’t changed.
You did have courage, to know when to leave. Draw on that inner strength to get on with your life. Stay positive through your friends’ support, trying new things, and meeting new people.
I’m 27, single, female. Many friends are marrying or having babies. Their invitations are causing me great anxiety.
I likely won’t have a wedding as I cannot find a partner, so won’t have children. I can barely afford rent and groceries.
I cannot send gifts, and worry about what people will say about me.
I’m happy for them, but just don't want to be involved. How can I decline invitations politely without spending money?
Your friends already know you have no extra money. So they won’t be surprised if, after you congratulate them (personally), you express regret that you can’t afford a gift.
However, you seem hopeless about your own future. There are still many chances to find a partner, IF you don’t isolate yourself.
I urge you to see a doctor about anxiety and/or depression. I also urge you to maintain your friendships by visiting after the wedding or birth, to keep the connection.
Tip of the day:
Focus on handling your own family’s fallout from betrayal; revenge doesn’t help.