Last year I met a man on a dating website; we developed an intense and satisfying relationship, but I soon suspected that he was hiding something. 

After some digging, I discovered that he was married; his wife’s family co-owned his business; he’s having an affair with one of his employees, and dating another woman on the side (talk about busy.)

Even though I ended the relationship, I’m still mortified, not only because of his deceit, but also because we had unprotected sex.

I feel a lot of compassion for his wife. I’d like to tell her what’s going on behind her back, but I don’t know if I should.

- Wavering

You’d do a greater service to go on a talk show circuit – without naming the jerk – to alert hordes of women about the perils of NOT knowing enough about a man before plunging into intimacy. Not to mention the sheer recklessness of having unprotected sex! As for spilling all to this one woman, his wife, forget it. She may know already that he’s a dog, or she may not. But your story from a stranger won’t necessarily be believed, and, Mr. Deceitful may be convince her you’re the one who’s lying. 

Instead of seeking this route to revenge, seek a better way of looking after yourself.

A dating site only provides an introduction. The rest is up to you. After all, it only took “some digging” to find a whole lot of dirt on this guy.

I’m divorcing my husband of five years, because he cheated on me. 

It took him six months to realize his mistake. Now he keeps calling me to see if I’m okay but I think that’s his excuse to keep in touch.

He seems really distraught - his job is stressful, his bills are piling up, everything’s snowballing for him.

At first I thought we’d be friends, but what he did was so hurtful. I tried to give him advice, but I’m not sure it’s my responsibility. I’ve helped with his job search, and told him to seek therapy. I’ve said I’ve forgiven him as much as I can and that it’d be best to keep our communication to a minimum so we both can move forward.

Since October, it’s only him contacting me. I’m not sure if I should stop answering all his calls/emails – it seems so harsh. He seems like he can’t handle his life. I’m trying not to let what happened affect the rest of my life in a negative way. He was my first for everything. Now at 31, I have to figure out how to date.

- Road to Divorce

You have some decent compassion for the guy, but giving him advice is not your job and may keep him hanging on to you. Your directions that he get therapy and contact you far less, are right on. Time to stop responding to his calls etc. 

For you to move on and start dating with a positive outlook, you should consider also getting some counselling. You need to feel that you not only forgive him, but understand why the marriage didn’t work.

Cheating is usually a symptom, not the whole problem. It appears that this guy can’t handle stress; that he caves when things go wrong.

Perhaps you were the stronger partner; or perhaps he looks for more female attention when he’s doing poorly in other areas.

Whatever happened, it’ll help to talk it out with a professional.

Should my granddaughter write to her former employer and ask why she’s not re-hired this summer? 

When she initially inquired if she had the job again, the woman responded, “No, because I wasn’t happy with the way it ended.”

My granddaughter thought they parted on good terms, and the boss was satisfied with her work. She wants a clean record.

- Wondering What Happened

A polite, non-confrontational letter is a good professional move; she should keep a copy of it, and the response. 

Your granddaughter should thank the woman for last year’s opportunity and say how much she learned from it. Add that she’s sorry if any unsatisfactory impression was left, but is confused as to what it was and she’d like any chance to correct it.

She should say that she doesn’t expect a re-hire, rather that she values this woman’s opinion, wants to part on better terms and clear her record.