My friend is overweight by at least 100 pounds. I have been trying to drop subtle hints for the past few months. I really wanted to help her during the summer. I constantly invited her out for walks, and we went out to outdoor cafes once a week where we ordered only healthy foods.

We spent quite a bit of time together and I was often kiboshing offers for ice cream, hanging out at home, unhealthy snacks, etc. Unfortunately, if she lost any weight with any of my help, it was minimal. I tried to keep up the walking after the summer holidays since the weather has been so fantastic, but back to work means less time for weekly lunch dates.

We got together the other night, and I noticed she looked bloated. I’m really concerned for her. What do I do?

Concerned Friend

Weight is a very touchy subject for many people. You sound as though you are very close friends with this woman, and you’re sincerely worried. Talk to her, gently. Tell her you are concerned about her health. If she starts to get defensive about her weight, tell her that her weight is her business – but as her friend, her health concerns you.

Explain that you just want her to live a healthy life. Suggest that maybe she see her doctor for an overall checkup and go from there. If her doctor doesn’t find her weight problematic, then let it go. It’s not your body. (See the FEEDBACK below for the view from the other side).

One of my friends is desperate to hang out with a girl I know from class. We’re all in first year at university. I met this girl on the first day and we’ve just become good friends. I have a girlfriend, they’ve met each other, and the friendship is above board.

Another friend of ours who we know from home is crushing hard on this girl. We’d love for them to get together, but my girlfriend and I have a suspicion that she is gay but hasn’t come out. We haven’t known her long enough to ask, but we can’t figure out why she’s not responding to any of the guys who are dropping at her feet. She is, to everyone who meets her, beautiful and the sweetest person.

Should we just go along and try to get her together with our friend? Should we be trying to encourage her to come out? We’re not sure how to behave and we don’t want to do anything to hurt this new friendship.

Closet maybe?

At your age and stage, it is not uncommon for people to tell each other a lot of information, and/or to ask questions without contemplating the consequences. So, I commend you on your thoughtfulness.

You and your girlfriend could lightheartedly talk to her about the potential of dating your friend and see what her reaction is. If she agrees, let it all play out as it will. If she shows disinterest, you could ask her what it is about him that doesn’t attract her, what does attract her, what did her last relationship look like, etc. Normal conversation questions under the circumstances.

Your generation is different than mine in many ways, but we used to just come right out and ask each other if we preferred men or women, or both. No one cared, it just helped to navigate the potential pool of partners. However, I would still tread lightly and slowly, since you’ve only just met and you don’t want to disrupt the course of the friendship.

If that type of conversation doesn’t come easily, let it go. And tell your friend to set his sights elsewhere.

FEEDBACK Regarding the sister with eating disorders (July 19):

Reader – “I am now 70 years old and had an eating disorder early in my life that was rectified through a 12-step program, along with therapies. Yet my slim sister continued to feel it was her place to comment, monitor, etc. What people don’t know is, it doesn’t help. Ever! It just creates resentment no matter how good the intention. An obese person will do what they need to do when or if they are ready. And no amount of cajoling, feigned support or interference help — if anything it just makes the person angry and resentful. This is a lesson that everyone should learn. We know what we look like — we have mirrors and scales, and we know what to do. Most of us are intelligent. Everyone, including our family, really needs to learn to back off.”