My girlfriend and I had a very active and satisfying sexual relationship when we first met.

Then she and I both started getting busier with life, and I started masturbating to satisfy myself.
I also started to use porn to help myself be aroused, to the point where I now can't function sexually without the porn.
How can I help get my sex life with my girlfriend back on track?

Sexual Impasse

It’d be too facile for me to answer, watch porn together, because you’ve undoubtedly tried. And if it worked, you wouldn’t be writing me.

Sadly, many men have expressed similar problems with having sex with a partner, resulting from excess porn watching.

The fact is, you’ve crossed the line to porn addiction. The body/brain connection to stimulus has made porn your solo route for arousal and release.

The positive news is that your recognition of this effect on you is a crucial starting point.

Stop watching porn. Simple? Of course not.

But, hopefully, withdrawal from it can work because of your awareness.

Consciously work at developing new “triggers” to intimacy that both you and your lover enjoy: e.g. stroking while nude, sharing a fantasy, reading a sex manual together, and trying new positions you both find enjoyable.

Remember that women often get aroused first through their emotions, so start with wooing – sexting to build anticipation, romantic surprises like flowers, sexy lingerie – then move to foreplay. Approach all of the above, as couples’ sex play, instead of on your own.

Takes time? So does porn, when you add up the ever-increasing need for it when addicted.

If you need professional help, get to a sex therapist or behaviour modification practitioner. No reason to be embarrassed, they’ve heard it all before.

At moments of weakness: Compare being tied to watching porn to achieve orgasm on your own, to having the person you love, respect, and respond to you physically and emotionally, with both of you satisfied.

I’m mid-40’s and experiencing some form of depression over my son’s recent decisions. He broke off with his girlfriend two months ago. My wife and I were very close to her.

I feel depressed that she’s not with my son anymore. She still shows signs that she really loves him. I’ve tried to convince him to get back with her.

I have it in my head that he’s missing out on this great opportunity, which he might regret later on.

But I’m aware that my actions are wrong. Yet I’m worried that she might find someone else and totally forget about my son. I’m worried that he’s making the wrong decision.

I need help to not feel this way and move on, as my son did.

His Life, not Mine.

You know you’re depressed, you know you need help, and it’s my role to direct you where and why.

It takes a process of individual counselling to discover the root of why a particular action/idea/event sets off a low mood you can’t just brush off.

In this case, there’s likely some transference of feelings about “missing out” and later “regrets.”

Perhaps these feelings in your own life have emerged in your mid-40’s, which is a common age for thinking things like, “is that all there is?” and/or “Where I went wrong,” etc.

Whatever’s stirring in your own self-reflection, your son’s decision has obviously awakened worries that may have more to do with you, than him.

It IS his life. Look at your own, now.

I used to have a lovely figure.  Over the years, I gained weight, which my doctor said is age-related and no concern.

I get endless comments from people who knew me as "slim"… e.g. "what happened to you?”

I’m on a diet and exercise regularly, but haven’t been able to return to my "original” look.

How do I respond to hurtful comments? I’m avoiding meeting people I used to know.

Poor Body Image

Erase the word “diet” from your mind. It’s your own image that counts, instead of what others think or say.

Do eat healthy, nutritional food, and do exercise, but for your own well being.  

Also, seeing a nutritionist and personal trainer might get you onto food and fitness habits better suited to your natural metabolism than what you’ve been doing.

More important, personal counselling can boost confidence about feeling “lovely.” Then tell any critics, “I’m happy as I am.” And change the topic.