I’m a male, whose close friend recently broke up with his wife. I was shocked, because even though my wife and I have had our ups and downs, we seem to have come through for the better, after eight years together.

My friend, who was married for six years, appeared to have a smoother relationship with his wife. I had no idea they were having any troubles. They have two young sons, five, and three.

It didn’t occur to me to ask about him seeing someone else, because I would’ve thought he’d tell me if that were so.

So when I bumped into his wife at the supermarket, and she spoke so bitterly about his “affair,” I was shocked. She said she caught him; it’d been going on for at least a year.

I don’t know whether I owe him the loyalty of staying close since he didn’t talk to me, or if it’s wrong if I’m helpful/friendly to his wife, or if I’m hurt and annoyed that he didn’t trust me with the truth!

Collateral Damage

This isn’t about you. A family has broken up, and that’s sad for everyone involved, since the children will be affected in ways that are still uncertain.

Also, no one ever really knows what goes on in a family. This doesn’t mean that his wife carries any blame; just that you don’t know what internal motivation caused the husband’s affair. This may be all about him, with little his wife could’ve done to change things.

Most people don’t like to admit they’re the one who cheated. (While there are some over-the-top confessors seeking attention, it’s not common).

It’s best that you stay neutral on this situation. If you were friendly with the couple, as a couple, then your wife can call his wife to offer support (which she may not want right away except from closest people). IF he calls you and wants to talk, there’s no reason to refuse.

Otherwise, let things settle between them, as they go through the always-painful process of unwinding family life.

Most problems arise when we lack self-discipline and self-control. Life would be so simple if we practiced self-discipline and self-control.

We shouldn’t have sex with someone to whom we’re not married. It's foolish and destructive, and there are consequences for our behaviour.

These consequences will inevitably separate us from our sex partner and cause us shame and regrets.

My Opinion

I sense you may be trying to convince yourself … OR, you’ve experienced cheating by a partner and are trying to deal with it in this distanced way.

The reality is that some people cheat even though they know that serious problems can result.

Indeed, you failed to mention the devastating hurt to the other partner, to the spouse of the “other” cheater, and worse, the upheaval to children.

Yet, some people cheat. Why? From the questions to this column, people seem afraid to speak a simple truth – “I’m not happy with you for these reasons…(etc.).” Instead, they risk all the negative fallout.

Hopefully – and it does happen for many couples – as people mature, they take responsibility for their feelings of discomfort and speak up.

That’s one of my frequent messages: Say what’s needed to be said and discussed. Even, “this isn’t working out,” is an opportunity to re-shape the relationship, and if it can’t be improved, both can move on.

It’s a lot more honest, with far less wreckage in its wake, than being caught cheating.

FEEDBACK Regarding the “Terrified Daughter-In-Law” who felt her husband’s parents favoured their daughter’s children over hers (Sept. 7):

Reader – “My sister-in-law (hubby's sister) once said, when we started our family, that their mom will LIKELY be closer to her kids, then ours… and besides, I had my own mom!

“I NEVER expected my children to be any more important to my parents than my brothers’ children. We’re all their children!

“Growing up I NEVER felt like I was more special than my brothers. I wouldn't have tolerated it if my parents treated my children better than theirs… so my SIL's comments surprised me.

“I can understand some grandparents/children having a special bond, for a number of reasons, but I believe that’s possible without excluding the other grandchildren, as this writer feels.

“Now, our place as grandparents to our son’s son, is alongside my DIL's parents, and we’re proud of our relationships with our DILs.”