Ten years ago, I left my common-law partner of 18 years because of his drinking. We still co-own a mortgage-free house that he still lives in. I pay the insurance and half the property taxes. There are no children. He leaves the property filthy and in disrepair. He spends his little income on booze.

He complains about his ill health and poverty, but does nothing to better his situation. I have to keep my distance to avoid getting sucked into his alcoholic vortex.

What are my obligations to him, legally and morally? How do I deal with my anger that creeps into the otherwise lovely life I've built for myself since leaving him?

Wondering

Your "lovely life" is essential, but anger can interfere with your enjoyment of it. See a lawyer, and get clear on what you must do to maintain the value of your investment in the property. Example: you may have to absorb the cost of necessary repairs, if he can't afford his share.

Otherwise, you're leading lives apart. If he has a health crisis of which you're aware, get him to medical care. If he faces up to dealing with his addiction, encourage him, and show support.

Beyond that, your healthiest obligation is to NOT get sucked back in.

My father's partner of 20 years has been mean or dismissive to me since I was 15. My dad and I shed many tears over this. He felt helpless.

I felt incredible relief once I didn't let it bother me. She'd say horrendous things and me, my Dad, and my sister wouldn't even acknowledge it anymore.

She also recently created a scene after my mom's memorial service because she felt my mom's family wasn't friendly enough to her. They were devastated by the very sudden loss of my mom.

Last Christmas, my husband and I hosted a family dinner. She complained about me all day long in the car, which my young brother reported: "Mommy doesn't like you." Dad said she needed to apologize. Instead, she said HORRIBLE things to me.

Dad said he couldn't live with her anymore, my sister was destroyed, and I was in a shambles. But, dad stayed with her. It's been eight months. She hasn't apologized or contacted my sister or me.

Since Christmas, my sister, dad, and I have finally spent time without HER. But she wants to attend a family wedding, and dad thinks it'd be terrible to exclude her.    

I also want to go, but should I not? I'll be a nervous wreck and have to ignore her and dad.

Torn

Cut to the core - she doesn't like you. You have a close connection with your sister, and a presumably understanding husband, and that's the support team you need most. Your father loves you, but won't leave this woman, so you must enjoy what you can with him, and not build up unrealistic hopes.

I suspect you've hit an emotional peak about all this because of your mother's sudden death. It's unleashed a surge of sorrow over previous losses and hurts, topped by this one. It's not about the annoying incidents she's created - there's nothing new there, and you normally can rise above them.

The wedding isn't the big issue, either. If going will be too painful while you're still inwardly grieving, stay home. Visit your cousin some other time. Your father's partner is entitled to attend any family event he goes to. Don't agitate yourself by expecting or demanding otherwise.

Dear Readers - Here's one daughter-in-law's approach to healing an intrusive family relationship:

Reader - "After we married a year ago, my mother-in-law would constantly contact my husband to discuss family drama. It stressed him out and stressed our marriage as well. At my counselor's advice, I encouraged him to set boundaries, and temporarily distance himself from his family. He couldn't solve their problems, and we needed to take care of our relationship, and ourselves first and foremost.

"His mood and our relationship greatly improved. Though they thought everything was fine before he met me, they'd been pushing him away for years. When he brought a wife into the picture, it was time for that to end. I encouraged him to distance himself for the sake of developing a better relationship with them.

"After a while, the drama ceased, we resumed contact, and we BOTH have a much better relationship with his parents."