My ex-boyfriend is not only a great guy – kind and supportive – he’s also very good-looking, well-built, sexy in appearance.
But unfortunately for both of us, that hasn’t been his description in bed.
No matter how we tried different ways to make love, he could barely maintain an erection. He’s finished before he starts.
We met years ago and the problem existed from the start. We were both younger, less experienced, and I found it difficult to even start a conversation about “our issue.”
When I did, he’d look at me with daggers and refuse to even acknowledge that there was a problem. He had too much ego and macho pride to admit what was obvious.
We broke up but reconnected a few years later as good friends. We’ve both had other relationships, but while I’ve had some that lasted a good while, his have always been short-lived and I’m sure I know why.
He’s a truly great guy and has always been there for me - when I’ve had sorrow in my family, or a breakup that devastated me.
We’re both late-30s now and I believe that we could have a great relationship and future if we could only discuss and learn to overcome the problem of how to have a happy sex life that satisfies us both.
He’s been very attentive lately, and it’s obvious he’d like to be together again.
But I’m afraid that if I raise the subject again, he’ll back away, refuse to deal with it, and we’ll have another period of detachment and then be in the friends-only zone again.
How do I raise this subject without losing the best guy I’ve known?
It’s called “premature ejaculation” (PE), which I’ve written about previously, because it’s very common. Yet the facts – instead of the fears – are worth repeating.
It has nothing to do with a man’s virility. He has a sex drive. But it’s obvious that your guy just can’t “lose face” in front of a lover, no matter how much he cares for her.
PE is not a failure to get an erection or produce semen. It’s what happens when ejaculation happens sooner than a man or his partner would like during sex.
The American Urological Association’s foundation states: “In the U.S., about 1 in 3 men 18 to 59 years old have problems with PE.”
A possible biological explanation is this: If a man’s serotonin amount is low, it can shorten the time to ejaculation and cause PE.
Or psychological factors may have an effect, including temporary depression, stress, guilt, history of sexual repression, unrealistic expectations. Only your ex-boyfriend knows whether these apply to him.
How do you raise the topic? Directly. You’re mature adults with a long-lasting attraction, wasting the chance at a future together.
Tell him he must listen this once, and understand that it’s coming from love.
Tell him you can’t move forward together because he is the one who’s hiding from a reality that’s keeping you apart, even though it’s treatable.
Show him these facts that he can check out for himself, too:
A urology specialist can tell if there’s a serotonin lack which can be treated. A therapist can help through counselling, or behavioural therapy.
As well, a doctor can discuss the drugs, numbing creams and sprays that have slowed ejaculation in some men with PE.
Tell him he either chooses information and easily accessible help, or he chooses ignorance and fear…. and the end of your efforts to be a loving couple.
My sister plans an annual New Year’s Day dinner for my children. Last year, she complained to me about how rude and ignorant they all were.
She’s toxic, finds fault with everyone. Though she attends every holiday dinner at my house, she criticizes the food.
My children don’t want to attend her New Year’s party but we need a polite excuse. She’s easily insulted.
The last straw was when she told me that my teenage granddaughter who’s extremely pale, looked dead in her latest picture.
Hosting Christmas dinner for her for decades is making me hate the event, knowing what’s going to happen.
Be honest, while still polite. Tell her you love her but not her insults and criticism. They’re unacceptable, you now refuse to listen, your family won’t attend her party if she continues.
In future, change the topic, even walk away. If necessary, tell her she’ll soon be on her own on holidays.
Tip of the day:
Premature ejaculation (PE) is both common and treatable.