My husband is very controlling. His first wife cheated on him several times. He’d do anything for me, but if I put my foot down about his controlling, he gets furious.
I suspect that he’d cheated and lies about it, because he’s always accused me of it. Wherever I’ve worked, he’d come inside to check on me. He’d even sit outside my place of business sometimes for eight hours straight since I worked nights and weekends.
He wouldn’t let me go anywhere by myself, and he still doesn’t after 32 years together.
When a friend with marital problems phoned me, he hung over me and listened to every word. Later, he asked why I need friends, when I’ve got him.
I got so tired of being accused of cheating that I met someone at my work and told him. I left for a couple of weeks and stayed with a friend. He begged me to come back.
I think I cheated just to break away. After, I never spoke to that man again. That was 15 years ago.
My husband’s retired now. We go nowhere; do nothing. I have no friends because of him.
I use the computer but I’m not on social media. He still thinks that I’m finding men online.
I’m not close with any of my family. But when my sister called on my birthday, he didn’t want me to call her back.
He wants to move away and not tell anyone where we live, not even our kids. I wouldn’t be able to see my grandkids.
Nobody knows what goes on here. I can’t take it any longer.
We haven’t had sex in years, no kissing. He won’t say he loves me. If I say it, he just says “ditto.”
Drowning in Depression
Save yourself. You’re not physically a prisoner (if you feel that you are, leave the house on an excuse and/or call the police).
Call your children to a meeting, online if necessary, and describe the state of your life together, with you as an emotional hostage.
Your husband needs a medical check to see if there’s a physical cause for his behaviour, along with a psychiatric examination.
To do nothing is to allow further entrapped isolation, which is dangerous for both of you.
I’m a divorced mother of a married daughter with two grandchildren, a marketing graduate and a retired civil servant. I’m presently doing contract housekeeping and petty trading.
I’d like to meet a good, God-fearing man of 55-60 for a relationship that can lead to marriage.
Hope You Can Help Me
I can advise you, but I don’t set up dates (which seemed expected when you included your email for me to publish or connect you with men).
My advice is that you use your many talents, skills, interests and past contacts to get out and meet people.
Connect with former colleagues and attend social gatherings together. Participate in special occasions at your place of prayer. Even the family events at your grandchildren’s schools can provide new friendships.
Broadening your contacts among both women and men increases your chances of being introduced to suitable men to date, especially if you have an easy smile and open manner.
I’m not saying that it’s easy for single middle-aged women OR men to find new companionship that leads to future marriage.
But it’s a lot harder on you if you just wait and wish for it to happen.
FEEDBACK Regarding the woman whose husband of 18 years cheated on her (May 3):
Reader – “He likes to cheat because he likes having his cake and eating it too.
“He doesn’t rebuff the other woman's contact attempts.
“His continued betrayal suggests that he’s moved on but not yet moved out.
“She should be getting her finances in order and looking after herself. You cannot hold onto someone who’s checked out.”
Ellie – She wrote that she loves her husband despite what he did. She was asking for help to try and save her marriage.
I agree with you that he’s moved on but not out. He wants to discuss the marriage. He has not fully checked out.
By demonstrating faith in him, and strength in herself to fight for him, there’s a chance they’ll stay together. She wants that chance.
If it doesn’t work, she’ll know she has to use that same strength to start moving forward herself.
Tip of the day:
If a partner’s control creates isolation/depression, plan a safe exit, reach out to any family, and/or call police.