For four years, I've been semi-involved with a lady I met on a game site on the Internet. I helped her through her ending of an empty 27-year marriage.
My own marriage of 10 years had troubles as well. We met and were intimate three times, though we lived 500 miles apart. But there were no promises made.
She said I should rebuild my marriage; my feelings just intensified for her. Hers went the opposite way. Yet, I was still giving my love and support as she dated and had other relationships.
We met again after two years, we were intimate. However, she says she didn't want a commitment, she doesn't have those feelings. I love her still.
Now she says she's seeing someone, and that I'm jeopardizing her new relationship by communicating with her.
How can feelings change when all I've been is good to her?
How do I let go and go on, when all I want is to be with her?
She gave no reasons why her feelings changed and doesn't feel she owes me that common courtesy.
- Hurt and Lost
You were her Transition Man: the guy who helped her gain the strength and self-confidence to finally end her unhappy marriage.
Unfortunately, it's not the role you wanted - you thought you were playing the lead man in her new life.
Instead, your intimacy and statements of love were the spur she needed to move on. For her, that meant going to a phase of dating a variety of men until she felt the right chemistry with someone.
Sorry, but it's over.
The way for you to move on is to decide whether you can re-build your marriage. If so, work on it; if not, don't look for another affair to carry you through a double life.
Make a clean break and look for a relationship in which both parties are free and open, and you're not cast as someone else's rescuer.
I discovered my husband of 17 years was chatting with a woman he met on the Internet, whom he called "a friend." Then I received a phone call from a woman asking me if I wanted to know about my husband. She e-mailed me bits of information for months until I eventually learned my husband was having an affair with her.
He denied it, until she detailed their encounters and personal information about me, my kids and my husband including meeting him in my house while I was on the night shift and my kids were sleeping!
I was furious.
He admitted to using drugs and that he's an alcoholic and has since quit both so far.
He wants to work things out; we're both seeing a social worker.
Do I try, or do I just seek a therapist and a lawyer and move on?
- Feeling Degraded
Seek a therapist and a lawyer for starters.
Your husband has behaved like a skunk, but for the sake of the kids, your marriage is worth giving a chance.
His drug and alcohol abuse have contributed to his terrible judgment in risking exposing his own children to shock and betrayal. So moving forward together must also include his commitment to an ongoing rehabilitation program like Alcoholics' Anonymous.
But a process of therapy for him is also crucial, as he's kept up his deceit over a long period.
The lawyer will explain your legal rights in case of marriage breakdown, for which you should also be prepared.
Lately, every time I want to spend more time with my boyfriend of one year, he just seems so lazy or he'd rather be with his buddies.
I'm independent, 19, and work a lot. I'm so tired of begging him to come out when all he does is make excuses and he only listens when I get mad.
Should I just leave him alone and find someone else who would want to be with me?
Yes, date others. You're far too young to accept a relationship in which you always have to be the motivator and the planner, or fall into a pattern of nagging your guy to get him going.
He's not on the same page as you are in terms of self-confidence and independence and relies on his buddies for group energy.
You need a boyfriend who's grown up enough to be his own man.
Tip of the day:
The Rescuer is often NOT the person turned to for a next equal partnership.