Following are leftover questions from my live online chat, “Why People Cheat,” December 18:
My wife has everything she wanted – having worked since young; she stopped when I became successful. She took courses she missed when she left school. We have two great kids. I didn’t object to “girls’ night out” twice a week.
I now know she lied, went to bars, and met dates she’d arranged online. (A neighbor saw her, and she’s confessed).
She thought your success would make her happy. Yet she turned to other men. You have every right to be furious and deeply hurt.
If you still want to try to stay together, counselling may help, IF she recognizes that she had a distorted view of married life: It’s not about how easy you can have it, but how fulfilled and equal you both feel.
Go with her for some sessions, to see if you can understand and forgive her… or not.
My boyfriend’s very controlling, even about sex. It’s always to please him.
He ogles other women, saying they’re sexier, and slimmer than me.
I think he’s cheating, because he hides his phone from me.
What can I do to hold him? I’ve tried to diet but I’m bigger-boned than those skinny model types.
Never Good Enough
I urge you to run, not walk, away. The longer you’re with him, the more he’ll pressure you to “obey and improve,” the lower your self-confidence will drop.
He’s selfish and emotionally abusive. He cheats or will, because he only pleases himself.
Make a safe plan for leaving. He can’t be trusted, he’ll want to “win,” but it won’t be for love, no matter what he says.
My wife and I were having problems, saw a counselor and I thought we were doing fine - until I saw her sexting with her co-worker.
I snooped her accounts and found they’re having an affair, and her best girlfriend knows. I feel sick. I’d been doing my best to be more loving, and we were having good sex.
She’s denying everything and attacking my “privacy invasion.” Do I just leave, since counselling didn’t help?
She’s crossed a no-return line by bragging to her friend, and lying and blaming you, while showing she feels entitled to carry on cheating despite your knowledge of it.
Get legal advice, in case separation and custody issues get nasty, due to her self-centredness.
You may want counselling yourself; even if you do divorce… it’ll help you heal.
My fiancé and I dated long-distance for two years. When I met someone else and wanted a break to re-think, he rushed home and pursued me, until we got engaged.
We’re planning to marry next year. But he’s working late, and acting distant. I’m suspicious about his new female colleague. She calls and texts him constantly “on business” which he discusses in another room. Should I confront him or her?
Talk to him, not her. She may be a predator, but it’s up to him to state that he’s already taken.
Insist that he must set boundaries with other females, especially new women he sees regularly at work.
Now that he secured your commitment with an engagement, he’s gone lax about staying connected.
Everyone has periods of work demands, but when they go on too long, it’s workaholic escape, distraction… or someone else.
If he insists they’re friends, ask that you meet her. And that their business contact stops interfering with “your” time together.
My husband smoked a lot of pot and wouldn’t stop. He became less interested in our family business, which I then had to run, and got into car racing.
I caught him with a young woman who’s a groupie for that sport, in our bed. I threw them both out.
We had a great business, a good life, two terrific sons whom he now rarely sees. I’ve moved on with my life, but still don’t get why he could toss all that away.
You may never know what came first – either smoking weed excessively sapped his drive, or he lacked ambition by nature, and retreated through marijuana’s effects.
The fact that he could toss family and business away for the cars and the groupie, revealed weak character, causing frustration for you and a poor role model for your sons.
Fortunately, your strength could help you all move forward.
Tip of the day:
Despite the many excuses for cheating, the hurt to others can rarely be justified.