Part Two of “Why People Cheat” from popular online chat questions, Dec. 18:
I’m married to a good man, he’s a helpful partner with the house and kids, and loves me dearly, but he’s very set in his home-based ways. Our entertainment revolves around the TV.
I met a younger male co-worker who’s a dynamo, fun, funny, full of ideas and things to do together. I’ve managed to get out with him three times. There’s been no sex, but I’m getting very attracted to him.
Boring with TV
It’s called “playing with fire” because people get burned. Likely, you, too.
Mr. Dynamo only wants an affair, not the drama if you’re caught and/or your husband leaves.
You’ll have destroyed the secure home life you now take for granted.
It’d be far wiser, decent, and longer lasting, to encourage your husband to help you enrich both your lives – attending music and/or sports events, etc.
His loving nature will make him want to join you, at least sometimes. Your sex life will benefit, too.
My wife of four years left our home. We’re a second marriage and had issues, but she just ran from them.
We’d been arguing about whether to move now that her son’s started college. She wouldn’t even look at other places.
She’s with another man already, so this has obviously gone on before.
You wanted to move, perhaps for financial reasons or location. She saw it as a threat, displacing her son from his home when he returns from school.
It doesn’t excuse an affair, but shows your marital “issues” were larger than you realized or discussed.
The way she left was cowardly. But you two were unlikely to last.
My husband was the most popular guy in high school. At work, women loved him, and men found him good company.
I loved him too, but he still had to pitch in at home, do kids’ pickups, and be home at night. He couldn’t hack it.
I looked away for eight years, till it disgusted me that he wouldn’t grow up. He’s had two other wives and many girlfriends over the last ten years.
Over and Done
You’ve emerged from his cheating, confident that you had no choice but to divorce. Lucky for your kids, because they need your maturity.
Over time you can help them understand their dad, so they can love him but know that his lifestyle hurts others.
My wife turned off sex early in our marriage. She blamed her two pregnancies, then the babies, tiredness, now she just won’t talk about it. Says she’s done her “bit.”
I almost walked out, but after I met a widowed woman who likes sex, I started an affair that means the world to me. She keeps me steady.
I can be a dutiful provider to my family, see my kids grow up, not cause hurt to anyone. To me, it’s not “cheating” since there’s nothing I’m neglecting.
Fine, if this is an agreed solution between you and your wife. If not, she should explain why she thinks it’s okay for her to break that part of the marriage bond, and then demand celibacy from you.
People who arbitrarily refuse sex with their partner may have good reasons. But they should be aired, and alternatives discussed.
Some options regarding a spouse’s low libido beyond cheating - health checks and any needed medical treatment, couples’ sex therapy, individual counselling, cuddling and mutual masturbation, or agreement to discreet and protected sexual liaisons.
I’ve been engaged to one man, married to another, but I always have to move on. My dating life started at 19 with a high-profile man whom I only learned was married after I’d fallen in love with him.
I forced myself away from him, broken-hearted, after four years.
I liked the man who became my fiancée, but couldn’t bring myself to set a wedding date.
I did love my ex-husband, but as a dear wonderful much-older friend. So I keep going, having flings, affairs, looking for lasting love.
Looking for True Love
Look inside yourself. You were young and inexperienced with your first love, but you haven’t forgiven yourself for unwittingly “allowing” your own heartbreak.
Stop running. You’re older, wiser, and can love again fully, if you give yourself time to heal first. It starts with forgiveness, and seeing past disappointments as life’s lessons, not willful mistakes.
Tip of the day:
The greener grass doesn’t always last, while a nurtured relationship has more chance.