I’ve been dating a guy for several years. His two adult children live with him and we all enjoy dinner together several nights each week.

The kids (homebodies) join us from the minute I walk in the door until I leave for home… 100% of the time. I really like them but family time rules, and my guy and I have zero opportunity to be alone, and talk about really personal things.

We need those conversations, private teasing, touching, to develop a deeper bond. Of course we do stuff alone occasionally, but sometimes the mood isn’t right to have a really personal conversation.

I need ‘home time’ with him alone. If I ever try to talk about his kids, he gets very tense, and I can tell the conversation’s over.

Never Home Alone

Talk to yourself first. Decide if you want to be with him long-term… while recognizing that you might yet be living with these adult children for years.

Then, ask yourself why you two aren’t having some private time and personal conversations at your place.

Unless you, too, live with other people, it seems he doesn’t want to have those talks.

OR, you’re avoiding the reality that he has no intention of separating from his grown kids.

After two years’ dating you’re entitled to ask, wherever you are, whether and how he sees a future with you.

Dear Readers - Following is one woman’s experience with a formerly “cruel” spouse:

Reader – “I suggest that others in the same situation reflect on their spouses’ behavior before marriage.

“If their partners were kind, attentive, and solicitous during courtship and early marriage, my experience suggests they consider that their spouses may have Aspergers’ Syndrome.

“This syndrome, on the autistic spectrum, has only gained visibility in the last 15 years or so. Many people suffer (along with their partner) without a diagnosis.

“Our daughter was diagnosed with Aspergers’ Syndrome at age three.

“As he read the literature, my husband realized it was describing his childhood and life.

“As an adult, he’d learned coping mechanisms at work and in the community, but not those needed at home.

“Meanwhile, I had no idea why the love of my life had become a snarly, unkind person.

“The "cruelty" can happen because a person with Asperger's cannot handle the many unspoken interactions of family life.

“They become angry because of the panic it causes, and distance themselves.

“Having tasks to do, and ways to specifically help, is a way they can be in control and feel a measure of success.

“But emotional success is based on observation and copying. There are lots of movies and advice about courtship, so they think they know what to do.

“But there’s almost no teaching about the emotions of raising children and the intimacy of family life.

“Fortunately, there are now many excellent resources about Asperger’s Syndrome, and as my husband embraced it, our home has become a beautiful place.

“Not because his Asperger's has "gone away," but because we both work at developing good coping strategies.”

Hope This Helps

Many thanks for sharing your personal struggle and hard-won successes.

While readers can’t assume generalizations, and must research and get informed about their own family member’s behaviour traits, you’ve provided some important insights.

Getting an accurate diagnosis by a specialist is the first crucial step. Having a partner and family who acknowledge the difficult issues, and try new approaches, would be a blessing for many, as has happened in your home.

We are several longtime friends, late 60's and early 70's. One of us has all the symptoms of an advancing, debilitating disease, but has refused to see a doctor for years.

She’ll definitely walk away from our friendship if we raise the topic. She lives alone, has no family, no other friends, and difficulty trusting anyone.

We fear what’s going to happen to her if we do nothing.

Superficially, she doesn't seem worried.

Conflicted Friends

She hopes you accept her right to carry on independently.

Knowing her, try to assess whether she’s aware of how this disease may progress, and the level of disability it’ll bring.

Doing nothing is cruel, especially if she’s going to experience severe pain and become unable to feed or care for herself.

Contact a local agency for community health services for seniors, plus the organization for people with this disease. They’ll help you determine when to get experienced help to intervene.