I’m male, 46, and would greatly enjoy having sex daily with my spouse. We get along well together, but she’s satisfied with sex approximately three times a month.
We’re healthy, sociable and understanding. I've tried to interest her in articles aimed at increasing desire and pleasure, but all to no avail.
After a day at the office she’d rather play computer games or watch TV for hours. Though lovemaking is a free activity, releases stress, increases joy, affection, etc., she shows no interest in increasing her monthly "amount."
I've even asked if we could give up sex altogether as I’d rather not have any sex than so little. I feel it's better to have nothing at all than something that only whets my appetite for more.
She refuses to give up the three sessions a month and says I can "take care of myself" for the other 27 days … back to my high school years!
I don't understand this reasoning. If someone told her there’s a cost-free, painless and simple way to lose weight while eating cake and ice cream she’d be all over it. Anysuggestions?
This issue is at such a stand off, one I suspect has gone on for some time, that I must rely on your “clues:”
1) You speak of your wife’s interest in weight loss, which suggests she may have a poor body image inhibiting her from having sex more often. Sure, I may be off base, but am trying to give you things to think about that you could work on to reach her.
2) She avoids intimacy – hours of TV and computer games means little real, close communication of the kind which leads to sharing confidences, stroking and cuddling. Your no-sex offer just emphasizes the polarized positions you’ve both taken.
Of course, therapy would help. But until she feels your motives aren’t just for more sex – but rather, becoming closer in your relationship – she won’t go. Encourage her to consider marital therapy (without blaming) for both your sakes.
Doesn't it ever strike you that your advice column always deals with a predominance of women with issues: issues with their husbands, their female friends, petty issues with brides and thank you cards, gifts, guests, mother-in-laws, daughters complaining about a brother, etc?
Are women not looking for solutions and content to complain to feel a sense of power? When will our educational system realize they're missing the boat on educating young women on life skills? Oh, school boards and grade schools are dominated by women ... hmm.
I respect women who concentrate on driving a focus and agenda that leads to their own independence and interdependence when moving forward with others.
- Male View
Hmm, was that you “complaining” or just so gender-biased that you use selective reasoning? Many, many of the questions I receive – up to 40 per cent - are from MEN (see above).
Maybe their “issues” don’t seem like complaints to you – girlfriends who left them, mothers-in-law they dislike, wives who gained weight, feuds with brothers, sisters, uncles, not enough sex, too much sex, etc.
Moreover, most of the advice-seekers –male and female – ARE seeking solutions, though, yes, some between both sexes do just vent. Your letter provides a good example that a fixed view doesn’t allow for an open mind that can work towards change and improvement in relationships of all kinds.
Let’s hope that those “driving” women you so admire, also admire you and your attitudes.
My friend’s been trying to get pregnant for several years. She’s 39 and concerned that she’ll miss out on having a child. She and her husband are in love and would be great parents.
She’s tried in vitro three times, no luck. I have three youngsters from age five under, so my life naturally revolves around them. I feel badly when I have little else to talk to her about.
She tries to show interest but soon changes the subject if we’re together, or says she has to go when we’re on the phone. What can I do to maintain our friendship?
Friendships can survive many phases when someone is as sensitive to the other’s troubles as you’re trying to be.
Make your time together should be an outing without kids – theatre, music, movies, a community event. Phone or email briefly just to touch base. And don’t over-interpret when time passes between contacts.
Tip of the day:
When sex is the no-go barrier between you, look at the foundation.