I cheated, confessed to my husband, but not to my family. Yet my family is acting weird, as they think my child looks nothing like my spouse. I think my mother-in-law knows something is up.
Her son doesn’t care, but there may be possible paternity issues. I think that if they know the truth, it’ll affect our future together, as family members have already made some digs about the situation.
Should I confess, or keep my past cheating a secret as my husband and I had agreed?
- In Turmoil
This would be a personal decision between you, your spouse and the child … except for a potential paternity test. Until you know for sure about that possibility, keep your information between those it immediately affects – you two.
Meanwhile, get informed whether you’re legally obliged in your jurisdiction, to agree to a request for a paternity test. If it’s your mother-in-law or other relatives just stirring up trouble, find out if you can block the test on the principle of privacy.
If it’s the putative father of the child, you need to know the law about his rights vs. yours.
Your husband and you are committed to being a family and raising your child and that’s what you both should stress to nosy gossipmongers.
Instead of panicking about what they’re guessing, tell them to back off and think of the child.
My husband and I moved here from another continent. I work and do everything around the house, plus deal with everybody who speaks English, as he doesn’t.
My parents came for months, to care for our young child. My husband behaved extremely selfishly.
He also repeatedly abused me verbally and twice threatened that he’ll take my child away and kill me if I seek a divorce. My mother’s now worried about my child and me.
Recently, his mother came to stay and babysit. She’s already hit the toddler. My husband says more of his relatives are coming, without his consulting me. When I said we haven’t room for them, he insisted they’d come.
After a long verbal fight, I said that my daughter and he are my priorities so I’ll do anything for them; but he replied that his priorities are our child and his mom, I'm not included.
I’ve arranged for the authorities to learn of my story in case something happens to me. Their version includes my name, birth date, child’s name and birth date.
Since your husband’s still a “priority” in your life, perhaps you believe his threats weren’t part of a real plan to harm you. BUT, if there are any further hints of violence, go directly to the police, rather than rely on an after-the-fact letter, which may not save you or your child.
Meanwhile, your story suggests that your husband may be easily frustrated by not having mastered the language of your new country, so takes it out in power plays with you. Try to encourage his getting ahead with language classes.
Decide together what you both feel is best for your child, and let him be the one to inform his mother that you don’t want hitting to be part of her child-care methods.
So long as you want to stay together, avoid arguing about small stuff. Example: If there are too many visitors, he’ll soon see that for himself.
But above all, make safety for yourself and your child the priority that tells you if it’s time to cut and run.
I'm a polite man in my 30s, but often I’m called “rude” by my own parents because I stumble into some arcane etiquette rule they’ve never taught me. It happened, too, when a woman wrote to you that she was angry because she wasn’t informed she was being photographed.
That's not an etiquette that exists anymore. Criticizing someone for something they had no idea was ever rude is the HEIGHT of poor etiquette. When do one’s expectations that the world live up to your personal rules actually become rude?
- Old Rules
You don’t have to be old-fashioned to that some modern behaviours are rude – like breaking up by email. Even though society is awash in cell phone cameras, it does feel invasive to some people to get snapped by a stranger.
No etiquette rules can keep up with the constant changes in our world, but common sense and decency can still guide you.
Tip of the day:
A child’s paternity is a matter that only those directly involved need to discuss.