I’m a divorced, educated, professional woman in my 50's. I’ve worked very hard, earn a high income, own a home, and have raised a child.

However, my mother’s 82, losing her health and independence, and living in a trailer with several pets and my two unemployed siblings, in their 50's.

One sibling lives on a disability check; the other has zero income and relies on my mother's pension. She won’t rent an apartment (I offered to help) because she has too many pets.

Everyone fights constantly, one sibling rarely leaves home, they all watch TV constantly.

I have a strong friendship network but live in constant fear and embarrassment about my family, lest people respect me less or even reject me.

I’ve become engaged, but my fiancé’s never met my family. His family’s much more normal, supportive, and upper class.

I worry about my mother, but also about losing my fiancé. I've lost love in the past after the men I dated discovered my situation.

Embarrassed and Scared

Fear has distorted your perception. Your fiancé will more likely leave you for hiding things from him, and not trusting him with your personal life.

Keeping this “secret” indefinitely is impossible. Your child obviously knows about these relatives. Also, they know how to reach you. Meanwhile, the tension of trying to “hide” them will strain your relationship.

I’d bet your past romances were actually affected by this insecurity.

Be open and unapologetic. Neither your mother nor your siblings need move in with you and your fiancé, as you can afford to get them care if needed.

You and he aren’t planning a family at this age so there’ll be no fears of frequent get-togethers, for young children’s sake. If this guy loves you, he’ll admire you all the more for who YOU are.

My very close cousin is getting married next fall. She’d chosen my twin daughters as flower girls. Last month, she invited me to shop for her wedding dress with her. However, the day she’d arranged appointments at bridal salons, was that of the twins’ school concert. I responded that unfortunately, I couldn’t make it that day.

I tried to contact her again, but she didn’t respond. Then finally, she texted me how disappointed she was in me. I apologized profusely but explained that my daughters’ concert had to be a priority. She’s been uncommunicative since.

I’m left having to tell my daughters that they’ll not be flower girls. Should I tell them the truth?

Hurt

Truth is essential, to help them understand that the change has nothing to do with them, but rather with your cousin’s state of mind.

But first, be sure YOU know the truth. Perhaps your cousin was particularly needy of your support at that time, especially if she had no one else she felt she could ask. Perhaps she had doubts about the wedding or her relationship, and was seeking your company to discuss things.

Whatever the reason, she clearly had very high expectations of you, but was absolutely wrong to make it a one-chance-only demand. Another day could’ve been selected, other appointments made.

Try once more to reach your cousin and offer to help her in any way (e.g. addressing invitations?). Then also tell her how excitedly the girls look forward to being flower girls.

If she shuts you down, forget it. Explain to your daughters how sorry you are that she’s become so self-absorbed with her wedding, that she’s forgotten what close personal connection is all about.

I try to help my elderly mother, but she’ll always complain, and create volatile situations between my dad and me.

She’s betrayed my trust since my teens. She hates me, because I’m like my dad and get along with him. I don't think I’ll ever recover from the emotional trauma she’s caused me, but I try.
I want to go far away but they’re elderly and need help. She treats me like garbage every time I do something for her, to make me look bad to my dad.
My sister and I have been in long-term counselling which has kept us sane.

Wit’s End

Stay with your counselling. After years enduring her put-downs and betrayals, it can take years to build self-confidence to overcome it.

You can still help your parents, as a humane part of adult life, but you need to learn strategies for NOT reacting to her dramas.