I text my husband regularly during my workday, to stay in touch. It’s faster and easier than phoning. Also, if I think of something we need to discuss later that I might forget, I can get it down so he knows about it.

Recently, I texted him and it created a blow-up over nothing. This isn’t the first time it’s happened. I had an idea that I wanted to share about a weekend plan that came to me, and he went all negative about it and shot me down.

It ruined my good mood all day. I didn’t know if I’d come home to Mr. Grumpy because of it or if he’d maybe, just this once, admit that he overreacted. It was just an idea, not a command!

How can we stay connected, like you often advise couples in your column, if it’s just going to cause arguments?

Dealing with Mr. Grumpy

When I say, “Stay connected,” I expect that people know their partner’s personality and trigger points.

Texting can be a good couples’ connector, if used thoughtfully. Sometimes, it’s to pass on a necessary message that shouldn’t wait. But mostly, it should be a warm hello, a caring thought, or a romantic suggestion.

It’s a quick link, not a discussion tool.

If you raise an idea that you already know may be problematic, you can expect an overreaction. It’s like scratching a scab in the midst of his workday.

Meanwhile, if your husband is frequently grumpy, you need more than text messaging between you.

Perhaps he has financial worries, or is troubled by a health problem. Try to explore, in a caring way (without just labeling him negative), what may be causing his negative mood. If your relationship itself is the problem, I suggest counselling to help you find common ground.

I met a man who was already determined to leave his wife. I’m not the cause of their break-up, since I’ve only known him a short time.

He was mentally gone for some time, and had a deadline in his mind related to a change in his job. The hard part had been about his two young sons whom he adores.

We both feel powerfully drawn to each other. I’m single, 34, and have had enough past experience to know he’s the man for me.

So now I wonder what can I expect in this situation, and what can I not accept.

He’ll be torn about the children, not about his wife, but he’ll have to have a lot of contact with her, and she’ll be mean (she already is). I can’t be on the scene for some time. Our contact will have to be secret at his end, until the divorce is settled.

But what else does that mean?

Preparing Myself

No matter the timing in his head, things will drag on. Also, taking on a new job at the same time of separating, and dealing with child custody issues can be very tough emotionally.

He’ll need a great deal of support from you during this period; it’ll be all about him, not you.

Despite your “innocence” regarding his desire to leave her, his wife will always see you as the Other Woman who stole her man.

She will not be nice, or accepting, and if her nature is mean, she’ll likely use the kids as a weapon with him, and a barrier against you.

Even a powerful love can be fatigued by these circumstances, so you’re wise to be prepared.

FEEDBACK Regarding whether “Nervous Chicken” should confess cheating to her boyfriend. (May 26):

Reader – “While I think you're spot on for telling her to examine her reasons for cheating (and take stock of her own character), I believe she shouldn’t admit her guilt.

“It could be argued that this girl is asking for permission to unload her guilt at the expense of someone else's feelings.

“People mess up. It’s unfair to make one person's screw-up someone else's problem.

“This fellow may well end up having severe feelings of worthlessness and depression, since being cheated on is pretty ego-damaging.

“If she loves him and sees a future with him, she should stay mum. And she should love the hell out of that guy and never take him for granted again.
“I've been on the rotten end of that stick.”

Ellie – Honest perspective. Interestingly, most of the “don’t confess” feedback has come from males.