My daughter is part of a group of friends, some of whom she’s known for years, and I love them; others are newer to the pack, and I don’t know them very well at all. The girls used to all dress similarly whenever they were together, but for the most part, it seemed like their peer group’s uniform. In the colder months, they’re in black leggings and an oversized hoodie, all with long hair parted down the middle. In the warmer months, it's sweat shorts and a tank top, all with their hair in a high ponytail.
Recently, a group of them went on a camping trip with our local community centre. The kids are really involved, and they go on this trip every year. Packing was a nightmare! This year, EVERYTHING my daughter packed had to be identical to the two new girls. From the style to the colour to the brand - everything had to match.
I pulled the plug the night before departure when she was insisting that we had to run out and get yet another item, one we already owned, but in a different colour. She cried while I called her best friend’s mother and together, we agreed the insanity had to stop.
Three days into the trip, they posted some photos, and our two daughters were the ONLY ones not wearing jean miniskirts. This item was never on my list, my daughter never mentioned them, we had no idea. And the two new girls? Front and centre.
Why are teenage girls so mean?
Poor Babies
So many issues here! As a parent, our knee jerk instinct is to protect our “babies” no matter their age. As women, unfortunately, we understand what mean girls are all about and want to protect our daughters from their wrath. From your telling, the two new girls wield some power over the rest of the pack. Your daughter and her best friend don’t want to get “dumped” from the gang, so they’re trying hard to be just like the others. It’s all common teenage girl behaviour.
You and the other mom did nothing wrong by stopping the shopping spree. Some lessons are inevitable, in that, you can’t afford to constantly revamp your wardrobe, and enough is enough. The photo of the jean skirt gang, with your daughter and her best friend NOT in uniform, is exactly what you were aware of: mean girls being mean. And herein lies the lesson: no matter how hard you try, if someone wants to be mean to you, they’ll find a way.
Hopefully your daughter and her BF can lean into each other, have the self-confidence not to let those other girls “win” and simply wait until they oust others from their group. Hopefully the core group can come back together without these two.
FEEDBACK Regarding the couple needing not to hear each other or be heard (April 22):
Reader #1 – “Perhaps you may have heard of headphones and earbuds; rumour has it you can even get wireless ones!
“There is also such a thing as personal space; maybe his music infringes on hers.”
Reader #2 – “Most obviously, since most people, unless they’re vinyl freaks, use streaming services, why doesn’t he just get a good set of earbuds? Sure, there’s that little bit of awkwardness around her having to tap him on the shoulder, or maybe give him a hug, to get his attention, but that seems like a small enough concession for her to make. If he still insists on house-wide surround sound, then it’s on him if it doesn’t work.
“Earbuds are the answer, and if he won’t use them, he risks that this ‘super smart and sexy’ woman will move on to someone more considerate.”
Reader #3 – “I am sometimes surprised when an obvious solution is not raised by someone. There are times when it is clear that being right or prevailing is more important than a relationship, though that may not be the case between these two people.”
Lisi – Though the overwhelming response was headphones or earbuds, duh! - and yes, that would be the tres simple solution - I feel that’s a very anti-social way of living your life with a partner. And so, I agree with another reader who wrote: If he wants to share the experience of music with his girlfriend all day long, then these two are probably not compatible.”