My live-at-home daughter, 24, wants her boyfriend, 24, of one year, to sleep over with her in our home.
I'm very uncomfortable and don't feel I’m a prude.
I don’t have a problem with their personal/sexual relationship, she's mature and he's sensitive, polite.
But I can't get past discomfort at having to face them in the morning. She thinks I’m being unreasonable.
We’d set up a sleeping area for him in our family room so he wouldn't have to drive home late at night. She wanted him to be in her bedroom, just to watch movies together. I agreed.
Tonight she came out of the shower in only a towel and he was lying in her bed.
Should I try to curb my feelings?
Uncomfortable at Home
By rights, it’s your home, your rules.
That said, consider what their choices are and how comfortable you’d be with one of these:
1) She goes home with him and sleeps at his place, staying there overnight.
2) She and her boyfriend have furtive sex when you’re asleep and he creeps back to the family room (likely not always doing so and you catch him.)
3) They have sex at friends’ places, or occasionally take a motel room, lying about where they were.
Mom: You say you’re okay with her having sex. So talk to her openly, don’t debate prudishness, just that you want to not be uncomfortable in your own home.
Or, maybe you actually prefer that they have some difficulties having regular, easy access to sex, until she’s independent, living like an adult, and committed to a partner.
If so, stick to your own principles in your own home.
My husband of 30+ years and I are going through the divorce process; we still have one child, with ADHD, in high school. I have full custody.
He left me and moved in with my next-door neighbour, who also has school-age children, as soon as her husband moved out. It became ugly.
I sold our house and moved into a rental townhouse (too difficult emotionally to stay next door). Yes, I’m getting counselling.
However, though my debts are paid off, I don’t have enough money to live within my daughter's school district.
Our current townhouse is out of her district, not in a nice area.
I’m on waiting lists for two affordable co-op housing projects in her district – a four-to-six year wait.
She could use her father's address, but it’s a headache and expense getting her to and from school.
I feel she should be able to live where her friends are.
Are there any social agencies or financial planners who could help?
There are so many competing needs why people want faster access to particular housing projects, that you’d have to make a case on your daughter’s behalf.
If the school’s program is critical to her progress, you have a stronger reason than her “friendships.”
Also, whoever’s involved in treating her might support your case. Add to that any local association for people with ADHD.
However, if you’re allowed to use her father’s address, and there’s no other way to be at that school, and you deem it that important to her well-being, surely the inconvenience to you is worth it.
It’s a matter of driving and pick-ups, or some expense, which her father should have to share. Do NOT make this about you avoiding the “other” woman.
However, if it helps their father-daughter relationship, that’s a bonus, despite your feelings about him.
My younger brother, 24, works in IT and owns a townhouse. His ex-girlfriend has depression/mood/suicidal tendencies. He’s attempted to heal their relationship, allowing her to stay over (she lives with her parents), or taking her on trips.
After an escalating situation she called the police, reported an assault, criminal harassment, and confinement. None of this is true. He’s sought legal advice.
My brother made a mistake and should’ve left things as is, after their break-up. But my mother’s devastated, refusing to work, eat, or carry on normally. I’m worried about her, and visit her often.
Stay supportive, and strongly suggest she see her doctor to assure she doesn’t slip into depression, or become physically ill from stress and self-neglect.
She may also need professional counselling to accept that this unpleasant situation doesn’t reflect on her having failed as a mom, won’t ruin his life, or shame the family forever.
Tip of the day:
Be open with adult daughter about conflicts over her sexual activity.