I’m in a four-year relationship with a man I love. I’m mid-40s; we both have good jobs, and share many interests. It’s the best relationship I’ve known.

The one major negative has been his ex-wife’s stubborn refusal to complete their divorce. She holds him hostage to her demands, and influences his adult daughter to be estranged from him through her own bitterness.

She’ll suddenly insist that he pay for new, expensive items, like paying for her to visit family overseas, and refusing to finish their agreement until he agrees.

They were separated for four years before I met him, but she’s raised the bar higher since we got together. She “needed” a more expensive house than her half share from their old one, supposedly so their daughter, in her 20s, would occupy a separate floor.

Then the daughter needed her own apartment, as well as tuition, for post-graduate studies in another city. But two years later, she’s graduated, still living in that city but not working. Nor is her mother.

His ex also demanded the fee for cosmetic surgery, which she said he “owed” her because she hadn’t worked while raising their daughter. She blames him for her “aging appearance” preventing her from getting a job!

I want him to have a relationship with his daughter. Whatever he can afford to provide for her is his business. But it’s the guilt and pressure from his ex that’s wearing both of us down.

Can love survive this steady onslaught of negativity?

Worn Down Lovers

His ex-wife and daughter have such a stranglehold on his sense of guilt that he needs to talk to a therapist about it.

He may have made some major mistakes in his marriage, but he’s made his decision to leave, and has a responsibility to himself, and you too, to move on in the best way possible.

Time to talk straight to his daughter – he loves her, wants to have a relationship, but won’t be jerked around by her. He should say what he’ll fund – say, six months more rent while she looks for work – otherwise, she has her “own floor” of her mom’s house for which he’s already paid.

Then he must make a decision with his lawyer’s advice, and with you, about his divorce – i.e. whether to go to court (also expensive) or just withdraw from the demand-process.

In that case, he’d turn the tables around and show indifference to whether it’s a formal divorce… if you can accept that.

You, too, may need legal advice as to how secure that leaves you as his de facto partner…e.g. without marital status he can name you specifically in his will.

My friend’s marrying a man she only loves at a distance. They’ve dated for years, from separate houses, and travelled together on vacations… but never for more than two weeks at a time.

Once back home, she dislikes how he lives (extremely messy), and his passivity with dependent older relatives (not his parents). I think she’s “settling” because she’s in her 40s. What should I say?

Upset BFF

Be that best friend and say little. Ask her some leading questions – e.g. when they live together, how will she handle their different levels of neatness? If she wants to discuss any concerns, you can make suggestions.

But if she’s “settling,” that’s her choice, and she has her reasons. Your best support is try to get her thinking some of the more difficult things through, not to convince her to change her mind.

FEEDBACK - Regarding “Concerned Mother” whose daughter’s future mother-in-law is a “controller, and dominating every wedding decision (June 14):

Reader – “Your advice is packed with emotional intelligence and an appreciation for the importance of civility. As you said, for the bride’s mother to respond, “That’s out of price range” would politely end all discussion, as everyone deals with household budgets and can understand that fact.

“More importantly, the mother can teach her daughter (who’s uncomfortable with having been urged by her future MIL to buy overly-expensive clothes) how to get out of the shade and cast her own shadow by living by her own standards.

“It’s difficult when dealing with extended family. The desire to be polite and accommodating competes with the fear to offend in such situations.”

Ellie – Thanks for your kind words. Building respect with new family members comes from speaking up politely but firmly, rather than resenting silently.