My boyfriend and I met about a year ago on a dating site. We're late-40's; I'm three years older than him. He was divorced one year when I met him; I've been divorced six years. He has two children, ages 11 and 13. We're very compatible and spend most weekends together. As he shares custody, he spends half the week with his children.
I've only been invited two or three times to meet his children, and always in a public place (his son's basketball game, etc.) I've never been invited to come to his home when he has them. Otherwise, he's very attentive and warm to me, and easily expresses affection.
I'm starting to feel depressed about him not including me in "family" activities. I feel that he sees me as transient, and not a serious partner.

I'm a good mother who raised a son, and a stable, well-paid professional woman. I'm considered intelligent and attractive, and I've been kind to his children when I've seen them.
What are your thoughts on this?

Excluded in D.C.

He's concerned about his children's reactions to a "girlfriend," and frankly, that's appropriate, since the actual relationship could only have started months ago. His kids are at a sensitive age to adjust to this new reality in his life.

However, you do need to know how he sees the connection between you, more than you need to be involved with his children, yet. Drop the "I'm depressed" attitude, there's no cause for it, and don't get defensive either, about your credentials for step-mothering.

Let the relationship build for a few more months - and it only will if you stay upbeat and confident. Then, you can raise the where's-this-going question, about you two as a couple.

We both met in our mid-fifties, divorced, my kids all grown up, he with part custody of one teenager. We both have houses and jobs. His job requires him to be away for longer and then he can spend some time not working.

We met a year ago and it's going reasonably well. However, I feel like we're at a standstill now, and I'm almost getting bored and fear we'll just drift apart eventually.

The trouble is that at this stage of life there's no rush into anything. We do not need to get married to have children; we do not need to get a house together, etc.

What should we do next to keep the relationship going?

Also, how to incorporate his abundance of free time with my obligations so that we still can see each other?

Do you or your readers have any advice?

Stalemate

Take a trip on your vacation time, if he can juggle his free time for that same period. Go somewhere neither of you have been before, a place that offers adventures or activities that are new to you both.

Back home, find a new interest you both can pursue together - dance classes, learning a new language with plans to travel to a foreign country one day, yoga, sculpting, whatever. It only takes one night a week but adds something new to talk about and look forward to in between.

However, I question your premise that the problem lies in this "stage of life" because there's no urgency. Deep caring and passion bring a sense of urgency to couples at any age. So the other possibility may be that there's something more of an emotional element missing in the relationship.

FEEDBACK Regarding the woman who asked, Is it possible to be afraid of being thin? (July 13):

Reader - "Thank you for emphasizing health and not thinness, and not equating the two. It is possible for someone to be "thin" and unhealthy.

"I'm a female, 29, who's struggled with anorexia nervosa from age nine, and from ages 16 to 21, I was almost exclusively in hospital treatment for it.

"I'm 5'5", and close to 20 had whittled my weight down to 57 lbs, near death. I don't abuse myself to be "thin" for beauty nor do I think I'm "fat" when I'm at a healthy weight. I don't like my body when I'm at a healthy weight and don't feel like "me" when there.

"My message is that health doesn't equal thinness and beauty, health come in all sorts of shapes and sizes. Your response was a step in that direction."