I'm 49; married 30 years. I've gained 45 pounds and my husband, 53, told me six months ago he’d lost interest in sex due to his diminished libido and my weight gain.

I was devastated. We haven't had sex since and he’s never been physically affectionate, so I feel starved for touch. He assured me he still loves me and won’t leave. He's otherwise a good partner and great father.
I gained weight during a particularly miserable time in my career and changed jobs. But I'm in a high-stress career and work long hours.

I feel ugly, but losing weight seems an uphill battle, and I feel like I'm being blackmailed into doing it. We've had counseling, but it won't help this time - the problem’s my weight.
We have a happy, well-balanced teen and neither of us will put him through a divorce.
But I'm miserable and don't know where to turn.

Untouched

Turn to the two people involved: You and your husband. You have a team problem (not yours alone). And the teenager you want to protect emotionally won’t stay so “well-balanced” when he inevitably feels your relationship ripping at its seams.

Your misery, your husband’s arbitrary withdrawal, your long hours and stress, his lack of affection… these are tears in the fabric of a union, and you both need to try to mend them, soon.

Make a plan together, for each of you to get pro-active – he sees a doctor about his libido, you see a doctor about your weight gain, which is worrisome, not ugly. And you both get serious about healthy eating, walking more, and building mental/physical energy to tackle these issues, as another phase in a life together.

We were a couple for 14 months last year when, in a fit of rage, she broke my shoulder. Three months later, she broke my arm.

I’ve awakened with knives pointing at my throat. She once put the bedcovers over my head and proceeded to beat me. Everyone says to get the hell away from her before she kills you.

She’s literally threatened to kill me if I fool around.

I do love her and leaving is out of the question. I went through a nasty separation with my first wife and lost everything. I was celibate for 19 years, had encounters with numerous women but she’s the first one that I fell truly in love with, and she with me.

When I get financially back on my feet, I'm gone and she’s sensed this and constantly threatens me to get out of her apartment (I gave up mine to help her with money). I’ve now told her that I’m sick of her threats and that I’ll be gone.

She has a terrible temper that she can’t control.

Scared but in Love

It’s impossible to help someone who refuses help. Your friends are correct - you MUST get out. But you use money as your excuse… why? Co-dependency? Inertia? Only you know what “benefit” you get out of staying in this dangerous, volatile, and yes, sick relationship, which is what we say about people who’d rather destroy each other and get destroyed, than get on with their lives.

Your money will be useless if you’re dead. Get to a relative or friend’s place, a shelter, anywhere, and if she threatens to come after you, get to the police for a restraining order against her.

This is NOT love. It’s criminal assault meets delusions, with worse to come.

FEEDBACK Regarding the young man diagnosed with bipolar disorder (April 10):

Reader – “I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, in the summer of 2010.

“I want to share with others with mental health problems, the ongoing support I get from a peer-support group. It meets once a month in one locale, and once a month in another. Everything’s confidential; we reveal only first names.

“The meetings include a guest speaker (40 minutes). Some of the topics have been Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Suicide Prevention, and How Comedy can help with one's Healing.

“After a snack and decaf drinks (we need sleep to keep healing!) we split into fellowship groups - those with bipolar disorder go into one room, those with depression into another, and the friends and families who support us go into yet another. We share what's working, what's not, ask questions, and compare notes.

“It’s VERY helpful. Some Mood Disorders Associations list peer support groups in various areas.”