From my online chat, Sex in Relationships, August 13:

When my boyfriend of two years and I dated, he couldn’t have enough sex, it was every night that we were together.

He moved in with me four months ago, when he got laid off at work, and everything’s changed. He hangs around the apartment all day, sitting online supposedly looking for a job, but mostly smoking weed.

When I get home, he’s tired from doing nothing and just wants to watch TV and go to sleep. There’s no sex and little conversation.

How do I get my guy back, or was moving together a mistake?

No Sex Here

He needs to get back to work. His unemployment is the big change, more so than moving in. It’s why he’s hanging around bored and turning to porn and weed.

His lack of intimacy and his listlessness are the side effects.

Insist that he get out of the apartment to knock on doors looking for jobs, take an upgrading course, or volunteer somewhere.

If he doesn’t do this, you’ve ended up with a crummy roommate, not a boyfriend.

It’s not his fault that he got laid off, but the next step’s up to him. What he’s chosen so far is sucking everything positive from your relationship. Say so.

 

I’m in my late-30s, married to a man, late-40s, whom I think is having a mid-life crisis. He’s going to strip clubs on his weekly boys’ nights out, and he wants sex every night even though we’d had a nice routine of twice a week until now.

Although he says “nothing happens” at the strip club, I’m beginning to worry about his touching those women, and more. I don’t want to risk getting something (an STD). How do I dial down his raging libido or is this just a phase?

Tired Wife

Turning 50 almost always sparks some kind of reaction in people, and maybe his is a fear of lessening manhood. He’s overreacting, so concentrate on his ego for awhile and hopefully that’ll reassure his “raging” other parts.

Try hugging, and other shows of affection (besides sex) whenever he’s around. Express pride in his work or other skills, and appreciation for whatever help he provides with the home, kids, and you.

The strip-club attendance is also likely a phase. If not, be clear that you won’t accept it as his weekly outing, and won’t tolerate it if he crosses the line with sexual contact of any kind.

We’re late-30s with young kids, married 10 years. We were all over each other until we had our first child. Then everything, including sex, changed overnight. I wanted sex; she wanted sleep. Another daughter followed, and my wife wanted help with changing diapers and laundry, while I still wanted sex.

Money became an issue, I got depressed, she wanted sex, and I dreamed of escape. But we’re still together. We’re busy, fit in sex when we can. We both enjoy it; both wish we had more time for romance, too. It’s an ongoing quest.

Timeless 

You’ve come through the hardest part! Those are huge life changes you both experienced. You each grew up but didn’t grow too far apart.

It’s understandable that you had different reactions along the way - you come from different upbringings, different experiences that shaped your reactions.

It takes will, maturity, and love, to keep returning to unity as a couple. You’ve built a solid foundation; so keep checking in with each other to keep it strong.

My boyfriend’s ex keeps calling about their son missing him, and he needs to come over. She’ll text at any hour (even 2am!) to make him feel guilty, and he goes into a funk. He’d been unhappy for a few years before we met six months ago. We couldn’t stop having sex.

Now he’s running hot and cold – says he still loves me, then “disappears” for his  “space.” Or stays with me, but won’t make love. Do we still have a chance or is it over?

Ex Troubles

You have a chance if you recognize that his leaving a wife and child so recently has a major emotional effect. He responds to her calls and his child’s needs because of guilt, and awareness of his responsibilities.

Back off. Give him the emotional support he needs. But say he must start to set up some reasonable boundaries with his ex when there are no real emergencies.