I have had an unsuccessful relationship; at the time of the breakup my Mum was on my back to get married. A guy had expressed interest in me since university, so I decided to give it a try.
He seems so interested in marrying me and I feel so contented in this three-month relationship. Should I be a little patient and possibly things will work out, or let go of this relationship? I wouldn’t love to hurt him, but my happiness has to hold the frontline.
- Confused in Kampala, Uganda
You sure ARE confused – rushing towards marriage to please Mum, hurrying a relationship from earliest blush. It seems you have no idea what’ll truly make you happy, but are willing to put on a wedding dress and worry later whether it was the right fit.
Stop the whirlwind. Take a breath, tell Mum to back off and if you’re not fully in love and committed to this guy in at least six more months, date others.
And please, look for love in your heart, not on the front-line of a schedule … whether yours or your mother’s.
Between my two children, ages 28 and 30, there’s always been profound sibling rivalry. My daughter graduated from university and is successful. My son has "issues" with drugs and alcohol.
He’s trying to change his life by going to school and retraining, but nothing’s worked out yet. She received help getting educated and feels it’s well deserved, but resents the ongoing support he’s received which she feels was support for his being a failure.
They really dislike each other. He thinks she’s snobby and received preferential treatment. She feels he’s lazy, irresponsible and selfish. Whenever there are family gatherings, we all get along superficially.
But my daughter recently said she doesn’t want any involvement with her brother at all. She says she cannot stand him and doesn’t want to be around him ever, that he brings out a side of herself she doesn’t like. It means that if he’s coming here at Christmas, she won’t be.
This is so upsetting for me. I think she’s overreacting, and unreasonable, that it’s only a few hours and she should just deal with it. I’m never not going to invite both of my children for holidays and birthdays. So this potentially means I may never spend another holiday with my daughter.
Do you think my daughter’s stance is this situation is reasonable?
- Upset Mom
She’s being unreasonable … UNLESS there’s something buried in the background such as past abuse from her brother, that she’s not shared with you.
Before you try coaxing her with reminders of your delicious Christmas pudding, tell her first that you love her dearly. And, if there were a deeper reason than you know about why her brother is emotionally toxic for her, you’d like to understand her feelings better and possibly be helpful in her dealing with them.
Otherwise, the thing she doesn’t like about herself, is hers to deal with, not his fault.
If she has nothing but rivalry driving her, carry on as the loving mother to BOTH your offspring equally. Invite them both for special occasions and let each adult child respond as he/she pleases.
If you don’t see her on Christmas Day, get together for Christmas Eve – it’s not to indulge her stance, rather for your own comfort level.
And keep helping your son, so long as he’s trying to improve his life. You already know that’s the right thing.
I still love my first love. We had a child, but broke up. I had another child with someone else and destroyed that relationship because I wanted my ex.
He’s moved on; I get along great with his girl friend, but feel jealous, angry and overwhelmed. Since I have a child with each man, I cannot cut them out.
- Going in Circles
Time for you to stop being the child in this picture. Instead of letting runaway emotions rule you, get a grip and face reality.
Both these men are no longer candidates for your swinging affections. Jealousy and anger are wasting your time and keeping you from maturing into someone who can focus on the priority of raising your kids without being needy and self-absorbed.
Counselling would help you develop confidence – so that you don’t keep getting pregnant first, then sabotage that union, too, for a long-gone fantasy.
Tip of the day:
Weddings rushed into for the wrong reasons are a set-up for honeymoon alarm.