My partner and I have a son, 2 ½; I’m eight months pregnant, and have a daughter, 7, from a previous relationship. 

With our first baby, I took a year off school and moved to where he went to school. He was extremely emotionally abusive. He’d pick on my daughter, and made rules for her pinned up all over the house.

I moved back to my hometown, he finished school, moved to us and found work. He became financially abusive, making me pay the rent with my student allowance, while he did what he pleased with his money.

I moved to my parents and they witnessed him twice flipping out on me. He promised to get counselling, I took him back. But he didn’t help with household chores; he paid rent but left me to pay the bills/food, while I was back at school and pregnant again. When I asked him to do things, he’d blow up.

Once, I lost it and attacked him, our son got in between us and my partner knocked us both down. I called the cops. I left him again. Months later, he promised me the world and I stupidly believed him, again.

I’m currently living with my parents with the children. He’s living 45 minutes away, providing no financial help for us. We see him on weekends (unless we had a fight).

We bought a new car together but he never drops it off for me to use. I feel as though my love for him is fading.

- Any Hope?

Read your letter aloud, several times. I’m hoping you’ll hear the repetition of its main message: that YOU are an equal contributor to this soap opera, because you keep letting it play out the same way. 

YOU must change. Having stuck by your schooling and moved to protect your kids, you’ve shown you can do it… so long as you separate mentally, emotionally and physically from this loser.

Get counselling yourself (through your school’s student services). Also, inquire of the family court system in your jurisdiction, about a common-law father’s financial obligations for his children. You’re unlikely to get anything from him, without official pressure.

The car was a mistake – as would any further connection be, beyond the children. Be prepared that if you keep taking him back and/or get pregnant by him again, even your parents might get fed up, and give up on helping you.

How do you include married friends when their child is hostile? 

For years I collaborated with a creative couple whose child tested me at every meeting: “Why is he always coming over?” He abused my material goods in my home, and stuck his feet in my girlfriend’s face.

I only once complained, about a bathroom mess. Ultimately this energetic pre-teen wore me out, although I still miss the old gang.

Should we’ve had a big discussion? Should I’ve bribed him?

- Child-bested

The problem wasn’t with you. This youngster wanted his parents’ attention (which he felt you were getting instead), but got laxity and no boundaries from them. 

The “old gang” is probably clueless about your frustration, so stay in touch periodically. I expect they’re experiencing their own confusion as their teenager continues to test everyone.

The Big Chat from you wasn’t what they needed. Rather, they would’ve benefited from reading resources and seeking insights about how to raise their child - even in a creative environment - while still teaching respect for others, and reasonable limits of behaviour.

Should a minister who doesn’t forgive the fathers of his grandchildren still be a minister? 

I learned some things through a project, and was threatened by the minister so am not at his church any more. I think the assistant pastor should know about this as well.

The fathers of these grandchildren had threats from members of the church and the minister’s family, to stay away from them, because of pain and torment they caused the minister. But isn’t forgiveness required for reconciliation?

- Disturbed

You’ve taken to heart a situation about which you know only a small part. It’s apparent that the Minister’s family experienced some troubles that run deep. 

When a faith leader struggles with forgiveness over personal pain, it may bring him/her to greater understanding of the congregation members who seek comfort for their own trials.

Leave this matter, and focus more on your own capacity for compassion and forgiveness.