I'm 21, casually involved with a woman, 27, for several months.
Once, she broke up with me via text message; she contacted me a month later asking for forgiveness, and we’ve been dating consistently since.
Initially, she raised whether it’d be okay for us to move to a more serious level given our age difference but I didn’t trust her then, based on the break up. When I felt it would be possible, she decided our age difference was a deal-breaker.
We’ve kept our relationship quiet because of circumstances surrounding how we met.
Recently she said her parents are attempting to force her into an arranged marriage (different culture) by threatening to disown her. She has no interest in the man but feels trapped because her parents disowned her once before for a failed marriage six years ago and she doesn’t want to experience that again.
Should I pursue a more serious relationship with her, or jump ship?
Your “casual” dating is getting more complicated all the time. She needs to work out how she handles her parents’ pressure, before she can consider a more serious relationship with you.
Don’t “jump ship” by fleeing the scene, be a supportive friend. But do NOT offer an alternative proposal, since you two haven’t really examined together your potential for a lasting union.
She’s likely kept your dating “quiet” for many reasons, including her parents’ anticipated disapproval.
This is the time for you to stay cool but caring, until she’s dealt with her family and you know where she stands on whether you two should jointly fight any obstacles to a future together.
I’m 48, divorced and dated my ex-boyfriend (also divorced) for five years. We made long-term plans.
He has two single male friends who drink a lot and do drugs. I’ve learned since our split five weeks ago, that he used to do drugs with them.
The breakup came out of the blue, him saying, “You’re too good for me, you wouldn’t approve of what I was doing.”
He hangs around those guys; one is a crack-head, no job, no money.
I heard he’s staying stoned and drunk with these friends. He’s not contacted me.
Three weeks ago I called to ask for stuff back for our boat, which we bought. I kept it because I’m financially able to pay for it. He’s not; his work slows down from October to February.
Then, 10 days after he broke it off, he took out a second mortgage on his home and bought a boat. So now he owes $100,000 on his place.
I love him dearly and I know he loves me.
Do I maintain no contact?
Hold onto your good sense so far, your money and your self-respect. Do NOT contact him.
He’s an adult, responsible for his own actions and going through bizarre, irresponsible behaviour, having chosen the company of his addicted pals. He’ll only straighten out back to the guy you knew, if he finds the will to do so.
Otherwise, you’ll play the tiring roles of Rescuer and Ennabler all in one, by trying to get him back if he isn’t ready.
To understand the difficulties and disappointments for people closely related to alcohol and drug-abusers, attend a local meeting of Alanon-Alateen. You’ll benefit from hearing the stories of a support group, to know what you’d be in for if you allow him back into your life in his present state.
I’ve been casual friends with a guy and his wife for 20 years and lately, still wearing his wedding ring, he’s been “all over” another woman.
I thought we shared the same Christian values.
He introduced me to her and I later told him, “Don't put me on the spot to talk to her, I’m not interested in being friends with her.”
How do you handle a situation like this? This makes me question continuing any kind of friendship.
- Losing a Friend
He knows your values, yet flaunts his affair to you.
Had he perhaps explained that his marriage has been unhappy and that he’s separating from his wife, you might’ve understood enough to talk to him about it further. This way, he’s just making you feel imposed upon.
Back away for now, but remember that your values allow you to be fair-minded once you know more, and forgiving, too.
Tip of the day:
Family pressures need to be addressed before a controversial relationship can be introduced.