My sister lives in California, married 20 years to a verbally abusive alcoholic. He’s refused to let her work or study.

She’s ashamed of his addiction. My mother and sister visited several years ago but kept quiet, as they were too shocked.

I visited for the first time two years ago and was also shocked - my teenaged kids were cowering in fear from his yelling.

We felt so sorry for her two daughters, 20 and 15, who always seem so sad. I urged my sister to seek help in a shelter, since I fear he could physically harm her. She won’t leave because she needs him to support the family.

She’s written that it’s become unbearable. My husband feels I’m wrong urging her to leave. (It’s an arranged marriage, from a traditional set-up in India).

Worried Sister 

Your sister needs emotional support from all her family, immediately. Call them together… tradition doesn’t condone abuse. Nor the long-term emotional harm to your nieces.

Your sister’s entitled to support from her husband, as are his children.

Go there and see a family law lawyer with her, and launch a separation action, with a plan for her safety. He’s had enough money to support the family, even while drinking away a lot.

Encourage your sister towards community supports – counselling for her and the daughters, joining an Al-Anon support group for families of alcoholics.

She may also benefit form employment counselling to find a course to help her start with part-time work, and build a life without him.

My mother has had problems handling money her entire life.

My dad died in 2009. I tried having her live with us. It was terrible. I fear she’ll end up homeless.

She’s on a small income, but sufficient to fund her needs - except she’s a compulsive spender and plays the slots. She lies about where her money’s going.

“Cash” places advance her money against her pensions. I wish I could get them to stop doing that since she has no self-control over herself. I’d also like to ban her from casinos.

She regularly begs all five adult children for help to make her rent. For two years, we gave her $600 monthly in post-dated cheques but she found she could cash them all at once and still had no rent money.

My sister won't talk to her any more after trying to help with her banking and hearing only lies. We tried staggering our support cheques, but my brothers are less inclined to help her. All of us have moderate incomes.

I’m taking her car away (which I bought for her), to help with some costs and stop her from so easily getting to the mall/casino.

Should we just let her deal with the consequences?

Desperate Daughter

Since you all have limited incomes yourselves, try a legal aid clinic plus an Internet search for your jurisdiction, for information on how to ban her from casinos (not foolproof, but worth a try).

Also, inquire if there are ways to urge the “cash” places she visits to deny her advances… based perhaps on some legal warning that they’d now be knowingly taking advantage of her. (Not likely to stop, but also worth a try).

Consider finding her a place to live that’s cheaper and for which you all contribute together, directly to the landlord… to avoid the prospect of her being homeless or needing to live with one of you.

As a caring daughter, keep close contact. You’ll undoubtedly be needed for emergency help sometimes.

FEEDBACK Regarding “Shared custody,” (March 31):

Reader – “Shared or Joint Custody should be the norm, however some judges still order sole custody, often to the detriment of the child, and the parents.

“Years ago, California’s Joint Custody Association provided an outline of how to do a shared custody agreement, which outlined the times, vacations, and other issues about when and where children were to be for these events.

“It was very thorough. The State also mandated mediation for the agreement.

“It’d be wise for parents to get involved in this type of agreement for the kid(s) and themselves, as it outlines boundaries for each parent. That should help stop one parent from interfering with the other.

“There are also many resources online to achieve a good agreement, and I’d hope people try this route instead of sole custody, which is not in the best interest of children, except in certain, specific circumstances.”