I think my live-in girlfriend of many years is having an affair with a married man. 

She plays on a mixed team as a competitive and social outlet and has become very attached to one of her teammates. The weird thing is that his wife is also on the team, which is why in the past I pushed away my concerns.

I love her though I admit our relationship has been ordinary for the past couple of years. I’ve tried talking to her about it but she tells me I’m ridiculous... then is never home.

I also find she “disappears” at work some days and wonder if she’s seeing him. I know he has flexibility because he is self-employed.

- Confused in Halifax

What’s “weird” is a partner who answers questions of infidelity with a putdown, rather than an explanation of where she’s been, or soothing words to make you feel less insecure. 

It’s time to ask different questions: Does she love you, want to stay with you, and want to work on your union so it’s less “ordinary?” When you get straight answers that you can believe, you need to assure some follow-though, through closer communication and more time together.

You might also consider whether she’s restless for a next phase, i.e. an engagement.

However, if you get evasions and more slurs on your intelligence and emotions for asking, then it doesn’t matter all that much whether she’s having an affair with her team-mate, or anyone else… the bottom line is that your relationship is over.

I have a problem with my sister-in-laws. They hate each other and have now made my brothers hate each other. 

They got into an email fight where one of the girls said very mean things to the other and now we cannot have get-togethers as a whole family because one of them won’t come if the other one is there.

I personally cannot stand either one of them.

One is an immature girl who lies about everything; the other one always criticizes everyone and thinks it’s her way or the highway.

My parents are depressed over this and I feel like moving out of the country to get away from the drama. I can’t sleep at nights thinking about it, and spill my guts to anyone who’ll listen.

I told my mom that they need to work it out themselves and we need to get on with our lives. I don’t want to get pulled into their lives anymore.

How can I remain a neutral party and keep my brothers in my life?

I have my own family and want to enjoy them without thinking about what a mess my sister-in-laws have created.

- Miserable

You’re obsessing over others’ problem, and that’s contributing to the drama. There’s nothing stopping you from enjoying your own family, nor from staying in touch with your brothers. It doesn’t require a major family get-together for you to speak to your brothers individually – just phone and email. 

Also, staying neutral means inviting one or other of the couples over or visiting them, without getting involved in conversations about their rift.

By staying above it and showing caring and interest in each of the two sides, you would model wisdom and true family loyalty.

Instead, you’re overreacting and personalizing the behaviour of your sisters-in-law, which increases the “mess” for your parents. Back off and stop repeating the story, it reflects badly on you, too, to gossip about your relatives.

I organized a Secret Santa among a group of friends this year. On exchange day, everyone received something and it went off well. Mostly. 

One participant received a gift we all thought was nice, but she proceeded to bash it. She complained publicly and her Secret Santa was upset.

I’ll be organizing the event next year. Is it okay to exclude this girl? How would I do that?

- Uncertain

If this person is a regular member of the group, excluding her is like issuing a public insult, which isn’t much different from what she did. 

Next year, remind everyone that you’re all still new at this, and hope to be friends for years so some “rules of engagement” should be agreed upon.

Suggestions: 1) Gifts should have some practical use or known appeal for its particular recipient; 2) Gifts should be accepted graciously. 3) Re-gifting must be outside the group.