My mother and I don't have a great relationship, but she pretends to her friends and acquaintances that we do. Even though I have a great job, wonderful partner and kids, she focuses on my weight and past issues though I've been fine for years.

I guiltily sigh with relief when she travels, because I don't have to pretend to be nice to her, which I feel obligated to do while she's visiting me here. But she's returning soon, and can't wait to see her grandkids.

I'm tired of putting on a pleasant face for someone who focuses on the negative, in all aspects of her life. I can only sit through so many more casual put-downs. I know she wants to be important in my family life, but I've said how her comments make me feel and she just says, "I do the best I can." Suggestions?

Stressed but Smiling

You're managing this "as best you can," just like your mom is probably doing what she's always done and thinks it's served her well. So not much will change. Is it worth your pulling away and creating the very crisis you fear from her?

The answer lies in 1) whether she offers some value in your kids' lives (they probably don't react to her as you do), and 2) the model you display of what extended family really means (if she's disposable, are other relatives, even you, eventually disposable too?)

Set reasonable limits to how often you see or talk to her. Keep smiling and even laugh at her silly jabs, then abruptly change the topic of your weight or any other put-downs. If this becomes too toxic to bear, then you need to cut-off ties and get counselling for the "guilt."

I'm a mouse with very little self-confidence or self-esteem. If someone even talks to me at work, my face goes red. People point it out, it reddens more. I have a lot to offer at work, however I hold back.

I lose out because I don't speak up or volunteer my ideas or opinions. And I'm too scared to take initiative at work.

Sometimes I make jokes about my red face so I can calm down but I still feel very embarrassed. My boss must think I'm rude because in the hallways I'm too scared to say hello and ask how the day is going. I don't want to come off as rude. What can I do? Are there any courses that I can go to for self-esteem or confidence or shyness?

Missing Out

There are many resources to help you, but you must be pro-active. You're no "mouse"... you're already showing increased self-esteem by recognizing your own problem, and wanting to resolve it. Start with self-help books on self-esteem, available on book shelves, and get a close friend or family member to practice casual social exchanges with you.... e.g. basic greetings, and how-are-you's.

Making a joke about the redness is another way you've already shown the ability to display self-confidence. See a doctor about the flushing, as it's not an uncommon reaction among some people, and there may be some ways to calm it.

Many people have found that courses in public speaking have greatly improved their progress and image in work situations. The Toastmasters' clubs (see www.toastmasters.org for a local meeting place, and details) have had millions of participants over its many years. You'll find you're not alone in needing help in this area.

FEEDBACK Regarding the person diagnosed as a child with ADHD, who stayed attached to a boyfriend whose anger and control hurt her deeply (March 31 column):

Reader - "This intensity of feelings (especially attachments) is part of having ADHD. Not only do we have tremendous difficulty in reading social cues, but also our emotional responses and attachments are so intense that we often scare people off... including others who have ADHD.

"Other ADHD behaviours include such deep empathy that we are often driven to help those whom we deem to be afflicted, even to the point of subverting our own needs and desires. We even ignore our own gut instincts that it might not be a good idea, thus getting ourselves into trouble.

"As a result of all this, another common ADHD trait is a history of failed relationships. For those who want to learn more about this condition, TotallyADD.com provides up-to-date information."