My close friend's been dating a guy from Eastern Europe who refuses to learn English even though he's been living here for three years; he won't accept evenings out with her friends - and doesn't like her to go without him - because he "doesn't understand what people are saying."

He also often decides people are talking about him. They've sometimes had to leave restaurants and bars because he became loud and belligerent, claiming people were "looking" at him.

My friend has learned his language and says she loves him, but their life together is more and more isolated. Meanwhile, he goes out with his buddies without her, and says it's "boys' night" but sometimes he doesn't come home that night. She always makes excuses for him - like, he "probably" drank too much or they played cards all night, etc.

Her close friends like me are worried about her. It feels like he's controlling her and also doing whatever he wants. Should we say what we think, which is that we think she should leave him? Or could we lose her friendship and end up isolating her even more?

Concerned

Ask the right questions, instead of supplying the answers for her. When she declines invitations to come out with her friends, ask if she misses the get-togethers. Be sensitive to her response - if she's unhappy with the way things are in this relationship, she'll open the door to further chatting.

When the opportunity is right, ask if it's her choice when they avoid people and places where only English is spoken. Ask why her guy doesn't take language classes to adapt to his new country. When she mentions his overnight absences, ask if she wonders what really went on.

Stay supportive, rather than confront her with opinions from her friends. There's a strong possibility your friend's not only controlled but emotionally abused (possibly physically too, since he's aggressive and alcohol may be a factor). Tell her that she has people who'll be there for her if she needs any of you.

I'm a gay man in a committed relationship, but can't help being curious about what's "out there." Recent online web sites that connect the gay community make it so easy to see and talk to someone, that temptation is always present.

I don't want to risk my current situation - we've been together for five years. Also, many of the guys who put their profiles online also assure that they just want new friends and aren't looking for sex. Is it so wrong just to increase my social network?

Nothing's "wrong" so long as you're not fooling yourself, which means you'd be fooling your partner too.

Before you go down a path that you obviously are already questioning, look for the "wrong" turns.

First, make sure your partner knows you hope to find new friends, and include him in the connections you make. If you feel that'll be unacceptable to him, you already know you're on the wrong track.

Second, be honest about the "temptation" around you. If it's just curiosity to look at the profiles, go ahead. If it's a greater curiosity to have an "adventure," think about where it can lead. Sometimes, there's no going back to where you are now.

Finally, bring normal skepticism to studying online statements. People may post anything they like about whether they're just out for friendship, while really seeking one-night stands, multiple partners, or are more dangerous predators.

Here's supportive information regarding the concerns of cyclists and motorcycle-riders over some drivers' dangerous habit of throwing lit butts out their car window (May 10):

Reader - "In Western Canada, we've started a national organization called FIRRE, the Foundation for Injured Riders, Rights & Education, see http://www.beltdrivebetty.com/firre/index.php/home.

"Our aim is to educate not just riders in the legal and moral use of their bikes, but also to educate the public, drivers and pedestrians alike.

"We plan to take up our cause politically until such time as the Federal government takes notice that too many riders are getting injured and killed. Maybe then, we'll finally get a national standard training, plus enforcement, for both drivers and riders."

While the web site for this organization states these and other worthy aims clearly, it currently states that F.I.R.R.E. is soon to be a federally registered non-profit organization - it doesn't have that status yet.