My girlfriend (together two and a half years, I’m 31, she’s 33) dropped the bombshell that she didn't want to have kids or get married, not to anyone. She felt that I’d resent her down the road.

We’d just returned from a week’s trip to Mexico that she insisted we go on. And we’d hosted my entire family at Christmas dinner.

We’d never discussed having kids. We were in a committed relationship. She’d bought the house and wanted me to move in. She’d been the first to mention love.

She suddenly seemed like a different person. During the fall, we’d gone through some work-related stress. The trip was our break from reality, a chance to start over in the New Year.

After I pried, as to where or why this was happening, she gave an excuse that she couldn't grow in the relationship (for the last two years she’s tried to change careers). She also said we were bad for each other, but didn't explain what that meant.

I left the house and am currently living with friends. We’ve texted a little about money and how each other’s doing, but nothing else.

I dropped a letter at the house last week asking to talk about things. It included examples of me thinking that we were in a long-term relationship, that we would work through things, not run away.

I mentioned that we’d previously spent a lot of alone time together, without any trouble.

Am I supposed to go get my stuff or give her more time?

Blindsided

The issues she’s raised are mostly decisions and dissatisfactions about her, not you.

She hasn’t asked you to take your stuff, so that may indicate she’s thinking things over. Or, she’s giving you more time to adjust.

However, once three months have passed with you still in limbo, you’ll need to take action.

Insist on meeting, if only to clear up matters and get your stuff. Ask directly, then, if she’ll consider this a “break” and get counselling help together to see if you can work things out.

If not, it’s over.

At that point – or sooner – get legal advice regarding your own common-law status, if it applies.

Then move on.

Recently, during oral sex with my boyfriend of more than two years, my gag reflex was triggered and I thought I was going to vomit. It terrified me.

Since then, I've been hesitant to pleasure him orally, and feel a lot of anxiety when I do.

I haven't told him.

Even though we talk openly about what we want in bed, and how we feel about it, I don't want him to feel ashamed or anxious about his sexual performance.

I don't want him to blame himself.

I haven't had much of a libido recently, probably because I don't want to have to disappoint him again.

If I don't find a way to overcome this, he might leave me for someone who can please him.

Fearful

Sexual pleasure within a relationship is meant to be mutual, not just a service.

If a sexual act is physically uncomfortable and terrifying, you need to speak openly to your partner about this, too.

There are many other ways to give and receive sexual satisfaction without triggering your gag reflex.

Your other fear – of his finding someone else because of this specific “disappointment” – reveals insecurity about your place in this relationship, and about your own self-worth.

If he’d really give you up over this, you’re with the wrong guy.

FEEDBACK Regarding support for an alcoholic son (Jan. 24):

Reader – “I disagree with, "Support him financially if you can."

“I’m a long-term member of Al-anon, and can say that financial help is not help. Alcoholics/addicts are master manipulators. He’s 28 and shouldn’t be living with his parents. Alcoholics’ Anonymous and rehabilitation centres are where he needs to be.

“If he chooses not to take this path, then he’s on his own and must find his own bottom.

“Financial help will only enable and cripple him further from seeking sobriety.

“Al-anon will give these parents the necessary tools to help their son and themselves. They can also see a counselor who specializes in addiction, and attend open AA meetings.”

Ellie – The parents wrote that they’d initially not allowed him home and he’d crashed, landed in hospital.

I suggested many options, including your ideas, and financial support only while he’s seeking treatment and can’t work.