I’m 42, and my children’s father left us when they were 12 and 8. He went to North America, married a woman there, but kept in contact with us. 

Now, after 10 years, I’m here too.

He wants to divorce his wife but she’s not settling because she knows he wants to marry me.

He has an apartment that she doesn’t know about. I go there for the weekend. He even brings me home in her car.

I’m uncomfortable about the way we meet, but I’m sure this was always meant to be.

Sometimes I say I want to end the relation ship but he’s not pleased by this.

Am I seeking what’s rightfully mine or am I just being jealous?

- Confused

He’s not “rightfully yours” until he does right by everyone involved. But you’re naturally feeling uncomfortable, because you’re still getting half a loaf, not the whole deal, by having to sneak around. 

This man needs to come clean with his wife, get legal help to proceed with a divorce, and stop causing both you and her to be jealous and competitive.

He made a choice which he now wants to change, but he can’t do it by leading you both on.

You managed 10 years on your own; now, let him know you’ll continue without him, unless he deals honestly with his marriage, ends it (if that’s what he truly wants), and comes to you in an open, responsible way.

Be strong about this for your children’s sake- as a model of living life with integrity – and for your own self-respect.

I’m the financially wise one in my immediate family, but I’m also the only one who lives far away.  

My mom and siblings (unmarried) want to visit with me more than the every second Christmas my husband and I see them. We can’t afford to visit more, so they offer to pay for just me to come.

I took them up on the offer once, but then they hold it against me that I’m starting a savings and retirement fund while they’re paying for the trips. I agree it’s not fair, but say that the way I spend my money is my business.

I also have limited vacation time, and don’t like traveling without my husband, so I suggest they visit here. But they still want me to come to their city (we also have limited space in a small apartment).

What can I do since I’m happy with seeing them less often?

- Torn

Your finances are your own business so long as you don’t accept handouts from others, based on your “lack” of money. 

The only problem in this situation is your misguided attempt to please everyone else when you know from the start that the solution lies in your facing the realities involved and working around them.

If your family can afford to pay for your trip, they may also be able to afford sending one or two at a time to visit you, making for more frequent contact.

OR, you can put less into the “fund” from time to time and visit them with your husband one more time per year.

OR, you actually don’t want to see them more often and haven’t had the guts to say so… though by your silence, and using the “fund” as your excuse, you do send a message of less interest than they would like.

It’s time to speak up about what you can and will do.

Am I being unreasonable by using my boyfriend’s car? We’re together six years and own our home together. 

I usually have a car, but just not now.

He pays for his own car. He said I’m not allowed to drive it, but I drove it to buy us groceries and he freaked out.

Am I in the wrong? It’s just a car!

- Can’t Agree

It’s about your relationship, not about “just a car!” A partnership has to have basic agreements about sharing. 

If you need separate cars, assure him you’ll replace yours as soon as possible.

BUT, when only one car is available, it’s natural for you to use it when necessary… his “disallowing” is immature and selfish.

However, if you agreed to his terms, you needed a) to request the car’s use for awhile, or b) get him to buy groceries, and c) re-think the way you deal with each other.