My coworker in a nearby cubicle really stinks strongly from tobacco. I have to smell this person for most of the day. I work in a large company with roughly 70 cubicles from different departments on this floor. Moving is not an option.

That person is in my department so I want to preserve the professional relationship, but I also want an approach to let that person really become aware and change/kill the smell.

Perfume makes things worse. I thought of writing an anonymous note to this person, ensuring it cannot be traced back to me, but I’m having second thoughts. Any thoughts on how I could approach getting the person to respect others without my having to go to management?

Although Human Resources has posted a sign in the washrooms towards scent awareness, management stated they could do little else about the situation.

Smelly Workplace

Not an easy one, since heavy smokers often aren’t even aware how much their clothes and hair smell even when they’re cigarette-free indoors.

The anonymous letter’s been suggested in previous such situations, but not only does the smoker feel outraged at anonymous cowardice, they can’t totally rid the smell if they don’t give up the habit.

A direct approach might work better if you had an identifiable allergy and coughed from the smoky odour. While persistent exposure to actual second-hand smoke presents health risks for non-smokers, it’s hard to claim issues here unless you have visible reactions.

Depending on the worker’s personality, you could try asking if the two of you can brainstorm a partial solution…. something as conciliatory as buying her/him a new jacket to wear only at work, and never when smoking (it can’t fully mask the smell from other clothing, skin, and hair).

Dear Readers – If any of you have had successful experiences with this dilemma, let us know!

I recently placed my parent in a nursing home. Mom’s got dementia, sometimes even forgets who I am. We had a visiting homemaker for her, but she started needing diapers and also went wandering sometimes, so the structured home with constant staff became necessary.

But I have a terrible time when I visit, as I don’t know what to say or do. Sometimes she just looks at me blankly. Also, the schedule always makes me feel I’ve come at the wrong time and am annoying the nursing assistants.

How can I best be of some use to my mom, or does my presence no longer matter?

A Daughter’s Role?

Your visits matter hugely, even if your mother cannot express their meaning to you.

It’s essential that the staff/caregivers see her as an individual, your cherished parent, and learn about her from you - whether she was musical, played sports, worked in an office, etc. All these details give them entry points to talk to her as they carry out their tasks with her, and make her more interesting to them.

Just the sound of your caring voice, and hopefully those of others, will soothe her if she forgets where she is and what’s happening to her.

Also, establish links with people working with her, so you can contact them directly if you see changes, or if you can’t visit for a few days, etc.

Remember to hug your mother even if she doesn’t respond. Your touch will be reassuring… after years of physical contact, people in institutions still need some. Play music you know she likes, bring photos of grandkids (bring the grandkids), even a visiting pet, if allowed.

My little sister disowned my other sister seven years ago. My parents sided with my sister who did the disowning, and haven't seen or talked to their middle daughter since.

I feel they should attempt to contact her at least once. They feel she should contact them. Since they’ve only stayed connected to the younger sister and have only a partial relationship with me, do you agree that it’s up to them to make a move?

My dad agreed to have lunch with only two of us seven years ago and wouldn’t allow my other sister to join. She was obviously hurt.

Fractured Family

Parents who choose sides against their own adult children don’t usually have a lot of “give.” They get stuck in a version of the story that suits them.

It’s up to the person who wants balance and family harmony to try to affect a truce. That appears to be YOU.