My wife’s always at odds with my parents. I love my parents but I wish I could live my life with my wife and kids and not include any of the grandparents. I get along great with her parents.
What should I do?
- Big Country
Consider the model you’d be creating for your own kids if you followed through on your “wish:”
1) Grandparents (which you’ll likely be one day) are dispensable;
2) When you have conflict with anyone in your family, cut them out completely;
3) If your partner doesn’t get along with your relatives, avoid trying to resolve the situation.
All are crummy, negative messages that do not help children learn relationship skills, and may result in denying them a meaningful link to their heritage through spending time with their grandparents.
It’s up to you to talk to your parents whom you love about whatever behaviour or communication is going wrong between them and your wife.
You and your spouse also need to learn how to set boundaries, to stand united, and to define an acceptable place for your parents in your family picture.
I’m 46, mutually in love with a wonderful man who’s divorced with two sons, 10 and 14.
I’ve never been married and haven’t had children.
He’s asked me if I see a future with him; I replied yes, and he’s said he would get married again.
However, I long for a child, and know that at my age the chances of getting pregnant are probably slim. He told me he didn’t think he’d consider having another child. I was crushed and feel depressed, though I probably was unrealistic given that he has kids and money is very tight. It leaves me with a huge life decision.
Do I leave him and pursue having a child on my own, with adoption possibly the only alternative? I cannot expect to meet someone else immediately, who wants to be married and have a child right away.
Or, do I make a life with him and his children?
I fear that decision may always haunt me because I’ll never have a child of my own.
Why do I have to choose?
You already made a defining choice when you went into a serious relationship with this man. As you say, yourself, being “realistic” was tossed out of the window, as you allowed wishful thinking to take over.
Now, you need to look deep into yourself to assess your own drive for having a child, and not blame him for his limitations. Ask yourself: Are you prepared to raise a child alone? Must you raise a child from birth, or will you consider adopting an older child who needs a home? If you want the satisfaction of helping a child reach its potential, would being a partner to the man you love, with his children, be satisfying enough?
This isn’t about being denied one of your choices, or being unfairly placed in this position. Your own life experience brought you to this point no doubt you dated others, chose not to marry some, put other priorities ahead of having children.
Now be truly realistic and deal with the hand you’ve got, and not with what “coulda, shoulda or woulda” been.
I don’t like one of my group of university friends who always asks for favours but rarely reciprocates. I've been trying to avoid that person for a couple of years, when possible.
I haven't told anyone of my dislike, for the sake of the group. But we've all now graduated and are going our separate ways.
We’re planning to stay in touch online; however, I don't want to add that person to my list of friends. This will probably be obvious.
Should I tell my other friends the truth or keep compromising?
By this stage of your education and personal growth, you’re entitled to set standards for the type of friends you wish to maintain.
Life beyond university – with work and daily living demands – will become too busy to spend time and energy resenting an unsatisfying friendship.
Omit the name, and answer the others’ questions about it, truthfully.
Tip of the day:
Resolving in-law issues often involves getting objective help to see the part played by all the parties involved.