My boyfriend just ended a 15-month relationship with me just days before he was to return from visiting his relatives in China for a month.
The day before the break-up, he’d spent $90 on a phone call to tell me he missed me and loved me. A day later, it was as if he’d become a stranger.
It came out that he’d met a girl on the train back home, and she’d “made him realize he wasn't happy with me.”
Eventually he told me he’d never loved me at all. He said some very hurtful things during the course of the following week, as I begged him to reconsider.
Ellie, this woman is someone he'll never see again. He'd never before indicated that he was anything but content and in love with me.
We were long-distance partners for part of the summer because we’re both university students and I was just a few weeks away from visiting him.
He was my first love and my first sexual experience, making it doubly hard to move on. There is no chance of reconciliation.
I feel I need closure to move on and I don't know how to achieve it.
Forget the woman on the train, she may not even exist. He was in need of an excuse, something to pin his decision around.
While it’s hard to accept now, he may well have been content and in love, yet able to turn it off.
Clearly, his visit to China affected his thinking – whether by having more time to reflect, by getting in touch with his long-term goals, or through discussions with relatives.
You’re both still in process as university students, and the future presents many opportunities and alternatives.
In the long run he did you a favour to re-think the relationship now, rather than later when you might’ve been further along in planning a future together.
The only “closure” is to recognize that it’s over. The past was important to your growth in terms of experience and learning to love.
Do not try to wipe it from your slate. Move on. Get busy with friends and the activities of summer.
When ready, date others, knowing that, when you do get involved again, you’ll be better able to judge someone’s level of maturity and commitment.
Two hours after I get up in the morning, I develop the shakes. To make me feel better, I have a couple of beers; the shakes go away. This is not good because I have a sales business and can't go to see clients with alcohol on my breath.
Also, when a client agrees to advertise with me, I develop the shakes when I'm writing the contract in their presence. My appetite is also being affected, as nothing tastes good.
- Unsteady Influence
The influence is alcohol, and it’s controlling you, rather than the other way around. For the sake of your health (loss of appetite can lead to undernourishment) and your job, you need to recognize that you’re likely an alcoholic.
I strongly advise connecting with Alcoholics Anonymous, for it’s proven guidance in identifying your problem, finding ways to surmount it, and getting support as you withdraw from this dependency.
A medical checkup with your family doctor would also be wise at this time, in case there’s another contributing factor to “the shakes.”
I’m 21, and have become good friends over ten months with a co-worker, age 19.
He was once grossly overweight and recently slimmed down; he says he’s never felt so comfortable around a girl before, as with me.
I want to tell him how I feel about him before he leaves for six months work exchange abroad. But he’s a born-again Christian and I’m Sikh, which could become an issue should we get involved.
You’re smart to anticipate the potential problems looming ahead, even if the feelings are mutual.
1) His going away means you’d have to immediately enter into a long-distance relationship, which isn’t always easy to maintain.
2) Your different cultures/belief systems are wide apart, and in your case at least, likely involves family pressure to stay within your community.
So unless you’re looking for overcoming extra challenges in your life, it may be best to stay as friends.
Tip of the day:
Closure of a relationship doesn’t necessarily come to you from another person’s explanation; it comes more surely from within yourself, when you accept that it’s over.