My partner’s grown children ignored him throughout our 20 years together, hurt that he moved someone into the family home. My efforts to reach out to them were rebuffed. 

He’s instructed me that when he dies I’m to have him cremated before informing his children, grandchildren and great-grandchildren, and scatter his ashes at our family home. He says if they can’t visit while he’s alive, he doesn’t want them coming to his funeral, so no service.

He changed his will several years ago, naming his grandchildren (who email him occasionally) as his beneficiaries.

I’m sure his children will be very vocal after his death, about burying his ashes with his first wife; I’ll be blamed to appease their guilt.

Do I follow his wishes or his children’s wishes?

- Dilemma

Follow his wishes after his death, but try to change them while he’s living. He’s trying to send his family a message about his deep hurt, but his timing is all wrong: It leaves you with blame and potential lawsuits. 

He must summon the courage to inform his children of his wishes NOW, and keep a legal copy for you of what he tells them. He has nothing to lose from risking their anger, since they’ve already demonstrated it.

It’s also worth one last effort from HIM to reach out to these self-absorbed adult children, using the shock reality of facing their father’s final response (not to mention their loss of inheritance). It could spark the conversation that’s been needed all these years, about the hurt they’ve ALL harboured and the need to hear each other.

My new boyfriend of two months had a hard time getting over his ex, even though he broke it off with her 10 months ago. 

He’d only meant to “frighten” her that she’d lose him if she didn’t change, but she never looked back.

He says he wants to be with me, yet he “disappeared” for two weeks after we first slept together, out of guilt about her.

He’s never apologized since he came back.

- Concerned

If you like carrying someone else’s heavy baggage, you’ve picked the “right” Mr. Wrong. He’s not ready to be “a boyfriend” – he’s merely a day tripper to your emotional interior, bringing little but heartache into your life. 

Send him packing.

I used to see my boyfriend of 18 months once or twice a week, but now he’s over practically every day. I love seeing him but I think he’s suspicious about me seeing another man.  

When I work late and don’t answer the phone because I’m concentrating or rushing to finish, he gets upset.

He insists that I answer my cell when driving home on the highway, or he thinks I’m with another man.

I think I want to marry him, but I fear he’s too controlling. I never cheated on him.

Am I being unreasonable or is he?

- Watched

He’s a jealous guy and being married to him will mean watching that you don’t arouse his suspicions. That’ll mean “obeying” his rules – currently, it’s answering his calls, in time it might mean changing jobs because of a male colleague he suspects, or not going out of the house without him. 

You need to be “watchful” yourself, before you commit to marrying him.

If this is just an exaggerated phase of insecurity for him – perhaps because you want some alone time in your week – then insist he backs off and trusts you.

If there’s no change in his behaviour, re-think the relationship.

After several years of therapy for stress-related problems, my friend’s elderly parents want to move in, due to increasing health problems. 

The family dynamic was never good; it’ll be too much for my friend to handle. The therapy could be quickly undone.

But, how does one tactfully tell their parents this?

Finances are tight for the elders but my friend is also on retirement income.

- More Stress

Tell your friend (or yourself) to replace the stress of anxious anticipation with the responsibility of seeking a solution. How? – by contacting community social services, and seniors’ organizations to learn about available resources. 

Presenting a couple of workable plans to the elders, will give them the dignity of choice and prevent the hurt of an outright refusal.

If your friend commits to overseeing their care and finding increased help for them as they become frail, he/she might see the old family dynamic as history.