I’ve been seeing a woman for two years that I met online; she travels for work, we take turns visiting each other. But I’m in love and told her I want her to stop travelling or work in my area. 

She says she loves me, but we haven’t talked seriously about our future. She says she doesn’t know how long she’ll keep travelling.

Is she scared? Not ready to commit? Or am I just not in her long-term plans?

Without a firm commitment I feel that I’m setting myself up for a big letdown.

I know what I want at 38, but she appears to not know, at 31.

- Waiting in Illinois

If she’s waiting to hear you say that you, too, would consider moving in order for you to be together, then she knows more than you think. 

Your suggestion that she change everything for you could be scaring her, about other potential demands from you in the future.

What she needs to hear is practical talk: Think through how much you’re willing to give to a long-term commitment then tell her. If she offers nothing in return, she’s not ready to settle down, so move on.

My husband of 25 years, and I have children, but nothing else in common. We haven’t had sex in five years. I still love him, but I hate the lousy way that he treats me. We never do anything together. 

I know he doesn’t love or even like me anymore. I think that he wants a divorce but doesn’t want to pay child support.

I fear our marriage is beyond saving, but he won’t even talk about it. Should I just go ahead and file for divorce?

- Strangers Together

Nothing gets a partner talking faster than a lawyer’s letter regarding spousal and child support plus division of assets. Yes, see a lawyer and learn your rights in case of a separation and divorce. Then, get to a counsellor on your own, and get professional help to decide if this is really what you want. 

You’re going to need conviction and self-confidence to go through with a split… OR, hopefully, you may gain the strength to insist that your husband join you in counselling, to either work on your marriage or manage the break-up with civility.

My husband’s parents are very demanding of our time. Sunday dinner is a tradition they won’t let up on, even though we’re a two-career family and need some weekend time to ourselves. 

His Mom makes us feel guilty whenever we try to skip one, and his father sulks.

His two married brothers have accepted this regime, and so we’re considered to be the “bad kids” if we don’t show.

- Sunday Trap

Decide what you’re really dealing with, here – is it your time needs, or your resentment of control? If you genuinely can’t find other time for what it is you want to do during those 2-3 hours on a Sunday, then surely two career-minded adults have the ability to speak up! State your case – sorry, we can’t come this Sunday – and carry on without guilt. 

BUT, if it’s anger and resentment that’s motivating you, re-think your approach. This could be relaxed family time, a chance for the siblings and all your children to stay connected. Make it less regimented but suggesting some occasional fun options – e.g. A park picnic, a barbecue at your place, a family-style restaurant.

I’m 20, and when I do feel optimistic (rarely), I get things done. But there are things that I want to accomplish yet I can’t find the motivation to stay focused. 

Please, tell me where to go from here!

- The Wanderer

See the glass as half FULL, not half empty, since you’ve already proven you CAN accomplish. Build on that optimism by seeing a career or guidance counsellor – these can be found through your school, university, a community agency or the Yellow Pages. You’ll get help pinpointing your current skills, your ambitions and what’s needed in the gap between to help you achieve more of your goals. 

Be prepared to need to upgrade through workshops and courses, or even to change direction and work in a new field. And do be prepared to work hard, because that’s the route to accomplishments that can’t be neglected or sloughed off.