I’m a divorced father of three boys, 7, 10 and 13. 

Their mother and her boyfriend took them on a beach vacation at Christmas. The boys were impressed with all the nudity they saw, on the beaches, on boats, etc. and described how “cool” it was.

Ellie, I’m hardly a prude, but I think exposing children of that age to nudity is inexcusable. My boys also reported that their mother and boyfriend had previously stayed at a nude resort.

It’s not my business, but when it involves our children, I wonder about her common sense.

Am I wrong to feel that my sons at this age shouldn’t be exposed to all this nudity?

- No Disneyland

The important question you raise is about the different influences of separated and divorced parents over their children. And how much control one parent has over the other’s lifestyle choices. 

Obviously, if you ever believe your children are being neglected or abused, you should legally object, and protect your sons in every way possible. BUT, regarding different values, your recourse depends on your keeping open good lines of communication, both with your sons and your ex.

When your children report this, they’re really seeking your opinion. That’s the opportunity to express your views, but without badmouthing their mother. Your opinions are just as influential to them as hers, so be honest, answer their questions, use the chance for even broader discussions of values, discretion, personal privacy, etc.

You sound reasonable enough to ask your ex, non-confrontationally, about how she handles the nudity topic. That should get her thinking, without having to be defensive.

I belong to a supportive, honest and caring network of eight women friends. 

Three years ago, one met a man online and fell madly in love. She moved across the country part-time, and withdrew from us. Even when she’s in our city (half of the year), we barely see her.

She’s finally admitted she’s experienced severe depression. We only see her with her partner, rarely. She sends us over-the-top e-mails saying how wonderful her life is. Her guy claims he’s encouraged her to go out with friends but that she’s uninterested. He talks for her, while she nods.

Formerly, she was independent, an activist, ran for politics, and loved to be with her friends.

We did a type of intervention a year ago, said we loved her and wanted to support her but she needs to let us into her life so we can do so. Nothing’s changed. She insists that her healthy lifestyle will cure her depression and she doesn’t believe in medication. What can we do?

- Worried Friends

Being supportive and caring means hanging in through the bad times, which this woman appears to be enduring by isolating herself. She may be embarrassed, controlled by her partner, overwhelmed by her depression, or all of the above. Knowing you care IS giving support, even if she stays distant. Do not give up. 

Sometimes, new information will click in, so between the seven of you, do some research on new modalities for depression, and seek a doctor who doesn’t only approach it with drugs.

Then try to encourage her to get an appointment; she should have a medical check for other conditions – e.g. hormone changes, or underlying illnesses.

If you can’t see her, send her this support by private letter. It’s worth the effort, even if she doesn’t respond.

Whenever I’m in conversation with more than one person, often the others don’t look at me when I’m talking - particularly noticeable when there are just three of us.  

I’m 50, considered serious and probably tense, too, so it’s somewhat understandable. I try to compensate by smiling, looking in their eyes, responding verbally.

How else should I address this? I no longer want to sit there being ignored, but want to avoid creating tensions by inappropriately responding.

- Awkward

Awareness of a problem is key to personal change – so, since it seems your normal intensity becomes off-putting in conversation, try to simply share your thoughts rather than attempt to convince others of them. 

Remember that social chat is mostly meant to be friendly and inclusive, not a debate to win. Save advocacy for needy causes, and use ordinary converse for expressing warmth, caring, interest in others and light exchanges.