Dear Readers – You’ve changed my mind!

During ten years of advice-giving I’ve learned this reality: Most people with relationship problems CAN speak up to their partner and say what’s on their mind, but they choose not to do so. They may be insecure, afraid of a break-up, worried about being alone. But they KNOW the problem, deep inside.

So when a woman wrote that her boyfriend of two years (both in their 40s) acts like “a friend with benefits” (i.e. has sex, then leaves), wouldn’t discuss marriage or express love, I veered from my usual long-standing beliefs in straight talk (June 13).

Instead of recommending that she do the obvious and ask direct questions, I took a too-cavalier approach when I told her to change all their dating patterns. I thought readers would recognize my tongue-in-cheek ideas were intended for her to shock this guy into questioning the changes, so this grown-up woman would finally speak up.

Many of you rightly responded that I’d gone too far with games-playing tactics. While I personally believe she’d learn from the switch-up that he does only want the “fwb” relationship, I agree that it demeans her to go that route.

Here are your thoughts:

Reader #1 – “This type of cheap game-playing doesn’t belong in any relationship. I'm surprised you’d suggest such trickery when most of your advice is about being straightforward and honest.”

Reader #2 – “You seem to be suggesting dishonesty and manipulation as a remedy for her situation. However, the most dangerous advice is to suggest getting him drunk to make him stay the night.” (Note: Not “drunk,” I suggested enough wine so she’d say he shouldn’t go home. But yes, in bad drinkers it could be dangerous).

Reader #3 – “I'm old enough to have lots of experience with the games females play. I'm not a fan of this man but I find these manipulations to be offensive. Let her say she loves him and let the pieces fall where they may. If it were me, those manipulations would seal the deal, I'd be long gone.”

Reader #4 – “These people are in their 40s, certainly old enough to be able to talk frankly about their relationship. If the future of the relationship hangs upon such childish tactics as you describe, it’s likely not worth pursuing.”

Reader #5 – “Giving him too much wine? What were you thinking? Leave her purse at home and make him pay? Why start playing games?

“She needs to confront these issues. His saying that his bed may be more comfortable can be true – so why isn't she being invited to sleep over at his place? Maybe it's time for her to cut her losses. She deserves better.”

Reader #6 – “Perhaps she should be open with him about her feelings - about his not staying over, the future, her parents, everything? After an open heart-to-heart discussion she, as a rational adult, can then make decisions and/or set limitations on her involvement in that relationship.”

Reader #7 – “If a relationship isn’t based on openness and honesty it won’t go very far, and starting out this way will only frustrate the people involved and lead to more dishonesty and manipulation.

“If the woman cannot sit down, let the fellow know what’s not working for her, and see if they can develop a mutually satisfying solution, then isn’t she better to end it now? Openness and honesty is always the best policy.”

Reader #8 – “It’s obvious that the issue is communication. They need a "heart to heart" talk to determine where the relationship is going and to address her concerns.

“If he won't do something on his own will, why would you force it on him after getting him drunk? Yikes!!!

“There needs to be a discussion between them of why he doesn’t treat her once in a while (when he earns much more than she does). Forcing him to pay her way is deceit. If he’s not willing to do it on his own initiative now and then, why not?

“Again, more discussion’s needed, as to why he doesn’t want to meet her parents. Forcing it on him will achieve what?

“If there are issues in any relationship, getting someone plastered or deceiving them to do something you want them to do will not build a strong, healthy, trusting bond.”