My two teenagers live equally with their father, and me in a shared parenting arrangement.

My ex continues to live with chaos, drama, and upheaval. He’s moved several times, has had many tumultuous relationships, compulsively lies, and spends money on himself.

He’s moody, volatile, and fights with our children constantly. He’s soon moving in with his latest girlfriend and her children.

Our children criticize him occasionally, but never take a stand. I worry about the impact of this instability on them. Should I intervene, or let them make their own decisions?

Worried Mom

Talk to them, but leave out your own judgments unless directly asked for your opinion.

Hear them out. Are they comfortable with this woman and her children, and with the new move? Do they go along rather than fight with him, or do they still want time living with him?

If they’re reticent with you, ask if each one would like to talk to a counselor, since even though they may love their dad, they’ve been through a lot of change (again, no judgment here).

If they accept the move, tell them that’s fine, you’re there if they need you, they only have to call.

Also say that it’s okay, over time, to have different needs about where to live due to school, friends, or whatever, and they must feel free to speak up.

So long as they’re not harmed or neglected, and don’t show overt negative effects from his lifestyle, you’re best to remain watchful and supportive.

An intervention might be more chaotic and harmful, unless it becomes clearly necessary.

My wife's brother's son is a wonderful young man - never been in trouble, highly intelligent, well mannered, with a terrific sense of humour.

His parents divorced amicably 12 years ago, both since remarried. He’s in college and recently confessed he’s been battling depression and a drug addiction.

Recently, his dad told my wife in confidence that he too has been addicted to pills for 30 years (which means, during conception for all of his children.)

He doesn’t want anyone in the family to know including his ex-wife. He’s admittedly incapable or unwilling to quit.

I’ve done some research and studies are now showing that during conception, a father’s addiction affects his seminal fluids and DNA.

I think it’s critical the boy’s mother be told, for the sake of helping her son effectively. My wife disagrees because of the reaction her brother will have.

I’ve suggested giving printed information on the paternal effects of drug addiction to my brother-in-law, hoping he’ll make the right decision, so information can be given to counsellors treating their son.

But it’s unlikely he’ll come clean with his ex-wife. It’ll cause enormous family stress and damage if I act regardless.

Between a Rock and Hard Place

Your well-intended concern is understandable. However, unless you’re well versed in scientific research studies, you may be overreacting.

Your nephew doesn’t seem to exhibit the symptoms of fetal alcohol or drug syndrome, but may indeed have a genetic pre-disposition to addictions…and this could’ve happened even if his father hadn’t been using drugs at the time of conception.

It may be helpful for counselors to know this, but it’s uncertain that the behavioral therapies for drug addiction, and counselling/medication for depression would differ from what they’re already doing.

However, the father should tell his son, IF he would alert him to the costs and effect his addiction has had on his life. Urge him to try to save his son, directly.

Recently, my husband and I have had company over to our home twice for coffee, and each time the company responded multiple times to texts or phone calls from their phones, while they were here.

Is it just us that find this behavior rude, or is this acceptable social etiquette and we are just behind the times?

Need Modern Insight

Phone etiquette isn’t a post, post-modern mystery. Unless your guests are health professionals “on call,” or emergency services personnel, they need to explain any other reason for constant phone attention and distractions from the visit.

Example: Parents might say they need to check (once, briefly) on teens or with a babysitter. Same for people with employers who demand off-time watch for messages.

Otherwise, you have rude guests. Try what some restaurants now do, in a modern version of hanging up holsters and guns – tell them to park their phones with their coats, at the door.