My now ex-boyfriend had committed unwanted sexual molesting of two of my friends back home in North America. I stayed loyal to him awhile longer, and lost those two girlfriends. I was then studying in Australia; the plan was for him to move here with me.
But on my break back home, I discovered he was with another girl the whole time I was away and during my return. I also learned he’d go on dating sites advertising himself for “intimate encounters,” and that he used drugs more often than I expected.
I thought I knew him, we’d been together for 5 years. He’s now living in Australia, 10 minutes away from me, with his new girlfriend. I’m extremely paranoid that he might show up, and am puzzled as to why he’s moved so close by.
I’ve finally realized he’s a potential sexual offender and wish that I could get some justice for what he’s done to my friends. Especially since he’s told people they “wanted/encouraged his advances.” I’m now having a difficult time moving on with my life.
Recognize this: Your ex IS a sexual predator, plus a cheater and a liar. Any involvement with him at all is risky for you, as he’ll twist whatever you say to reflect badly on you, as he did with your friends. He may even try to re-connect romantically with you, if his girlfriend drops him.
If he contacts you, do NOT try to resolve any differences, just avoid him. If he persists, alert the police to his past sexual assaults, and ask them to issue a warning to him to stay away from you.
Meanwhile, write your “lost” friends to say you now understand what really happened, and regret you didn’t back then.
After Christmas, I entered a new school. Immediately, I had a crush on a guy; unfortunately, he’s my English teacher! I'm 20, he’s 35 but also single.
I was so curious about him, that I followed him discreetly while he was going home. I love going there and watching him doing anything. I spend a few hours in the darkness, several times weekly, watching him.
I LOVE him. I really want to express my feelings, how should I approach him?
You’re obsessed and could end up criminally charged as a stalker. Back off! Your sneaky, invasive behaviour will terrify him, as he WILL eventually catch you.
Do NOT express your feelings; he can only respond negatively because 1) he doesn’t know you and share these feelings; and 2) he’ll have official restrictions against getting involved with a student.
However, your out-of-control fantasy may cause you to overreact to his disinterest, leading you to do something even more foolish and dangerous.
Get to the student counselling department at school for help to end this obsession.
FEEDBACK One readers’ response to a family struggling with dealing with a woman who’s been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome (April 6):
Reader - "I have family members with Asperger's Syndrome and have researched the subject.
"Asperger's isn’t a mental illness, as this mother wrongly believes. It’s an autism spectrum disorder that can lead to a variety of difficulties, in particular around social interaction.
"The family should educate themselves; they’d gain insight into how to help her deal with her anxiety, possible depression, and alcohol abuse (all common with untreated Asperger's).
"The condition has a genetic component, with other family members often affected by the same or related conditions."
I met this guy in 1992, and am now seeing him around town again. I like him because we have the same strong values: He’s very dedicated to his 20-year career. We’re both middle-aged and single.
He's a leader in the community as well. I do various volunteer and community activities.
I’m wondering if I should pursue him. However, he’s very, very shy and nervous. Should I retreat and find someone else.
- Forbidden Fruit?
You can’t just assume that because you have some similar values, this man will be a good all-round match for you, or that he’s even interested. No, do NOT “pursue” him as a potential date.
However, you can try to move past the shyness and get to know him, by volunteering in some of the community projects through which you two might cross paths.
Meanwhile, you’ll be doing something worthwhile for yourself and others, and may meet others to date.
Tip of the day:
Any contact from a sexual predator poses a real threat to be reported to police.