I’m in a two-year relationship with a girl I adore – we’re both in our 20’s.
She has suffered with depression, and episodes where she breaks down. She asks to be left alone for a night and the next day seems fine. This usually occurs when PMS is imminent but sometimes, it’s random.
Previously, doctors prescribed anti-depressants; I’ve researched these drugs and I don’t think they’re necessary, as all they do is alter her hormones and make her more reliant on the drugs.
She’s agreed to stop taking the pills and does fine except for the odd occasion when her depressive state hits her suddenly.
I’ve offered to go with her to counselling to talk about this problem she’s having, but she refuses to go with or without me.
I know she trusts me considering her parents don’t even know about her problem. I don’t know how I can help her.
- Dazed and Confused
While your consideration for your girlfriend is admirable, your belief that you know the best approach to her treatment, is naïve and possibly harmful.
Yes, people should do some research… but they should then question their doctors and probe as to why a particular medication is prescribed.
She obviously has major hormonal swings as she builds up to her period – if these are still occurring, then “no-drugs” isn’t the only solution. She should be seeing a nutritionist, too, to discuss a better food regime and what supplements might help; she could be adding more exercise to her routine at that time. And some medications may be important to counter the chemical imbalance that occurs, especially of these “random” episodes escalate or cause her to sink dangerously low.
Encourage her to return to her doctor and to seek out information from a team. Many women suffer from hormonal swings, and are benefited by thoughtful treatment. There’s no shame in this, only a need for looking after herself.
I’m 42, and separated for two years after being married for 18 years, so the dating scene is new to me.
I’ve met a guy, 35, who’s divorced with two kids.
I’ve never met his kids, but he’s met mine.
I really like him but feel he's inconsistent. Sometimes he makes me feel special and other times he seems distant.
I’m confused because he tells me he’s not sure he wants to be committed, but then he comes around and acts like he wants to be in a committed relationship.
Is he just playing games?
Should I stay in this relationship or should I move on?
You’re getting the common “new dater” treatment: This guy knows you’re green, so he tosses you the “no commitment” line he can fall back on later, and then gets together when it suits him.
Of course you’re confused, whereas a seasoned single knows the score. The statement that negates commitment is made early on so that, when you start pushing for assurances, he can say, “Hey, I was honest with you from the start.”
Also, not introducing you to HIS kids is a strong, equally common clue.
He’s not at all ready for a commitment – he’s just ready to have you available.
The best way to handle this set-up is to change the rules: Be busy, unavailable, sometimes distant.
If he truly cares for you, he’ll start asking for reassurances himself. If he isn’t, you can bet he’ll soon be explaining to some other woman that “he’s not ready.”
I’m 19, a student, dating a self-employed man who’s 35, long-distance. I visit him as much as I can, his work doesn’t make it possible for him to visit me yet.
He’s consumed in his work, and can never get away from it. He started his business eight months ago, and it’s struggling to pick up. Even on his one day off, his mind is elsewhere, leaving no time for me.
I see a future together but I’m left in the background.
- Second Place
Your future look is missing the point, that this kind of guy is always preoccupied, so the picture will be no different from now. It may still be the business, or golf, or the guy friends… whatever.
You’ve set yourself up as the dial-up girlfriend, like “take-out” sex. Stop visiting, and wait him out until he can visit you. If he takes too long, forget it.
Tip of the day:
Medical research by lay people is best cross-checked with trusted, knowledgeable medical experts.